Permission to Heal

Permission to Heal Bonus Episode 2- Ask Marci Anything

September 09, 2021 Marci Brockmann Season 1 Episode 0
Permission to Heal
Permission to Heal Bonus Episode 2- Ask Marci Anything
Show Notes Transcript

Many of you know me - I’m a podcaster, author, quirky artist, & have been a high school English teacher for more than 25 years. 

I've been through a lot of stuff - emotional abuse, my mother's mental illness & addiction, divorce, co-parenting after divorce, court battles, dating in my 20s & 40s, finding love again, remarriage, step-parenting, blending families, etc... 

I've figured some stuff out by doing the hard work on myself, extensive research, & therapy. I'm here to answer your questions and help you on your own healing journey.  You can follow along on these special Ask Me Anything episodes on my Permission to Heal podcast. 

Ask me ANYTHING you want and I'll do my best to help!  DM me on Instagram @MarciBrockmann27

Today's questions:

1.
Gwendolyn from Connecticut, says, "I want to get back with my ex, but they, but he moved and seems to be happy in his current relationship. This was kind of weird for me because I've never been the jealous type, but my ex treats his current girlfriend better than he ever treated me. And it's making me miss him more. Am I selfish for desiring him? And why do I feel so bad? Looking back at our relationship? "
2. Juan from Texas says "I'm 21 and I work three jobs to help support my family. I love my family. But I feel like I'm ruining my life, supporting them. Is it selfish for me to work more for myself? "
3.  Beth from Cortland, NY says, "I am a victim of abuse, both physically and sexually from my mother. I know it's different than your experience, but I'm not ready to forgive. How do I start? "
4. Thomas from Albany, NY says, "my boyfriend is the first person to make me orgasm in the bedroom. He's so caring. He's so caring and gentle. How do I get him to be like this outside the bedroom?"

Thank you all for writing in and asking your important questions. I hope my answers were helpful.

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Ask Marci Anything bonus episode 2 

I'm answering these questions as one person, who's been through a lot of crap in her life and has learned from them, not a mental health professional. I do strongly recommend finding yourself a mental health practitioner to help you work through your stuff. As it pertains to you very specifically, the only answers I'm giving you or my reactions to things. 

The first question is from Gwendolyn from Connecticut, she says, I want to get back with my ex, but they, but he moved and seems to be happy in his current relationship. This was kind of weird for me because I've never been the jealous type, but my ex treats his current girlfriend better than he ever treated me. And it's making me miss him more. Am I selfish for desiring him? And why do I feel so bad? Looking back at our relationship?  

This is tough. You know, relationships end and for all sorts of reasons and who might not have been the person that's currently is in that past relationship, who've grown since then. He's probably grown or at least has [changed in some way. And if he's happy with where he is that try to figure out how to wish him, even from afar, how to wish him health and good luck and move on, and you need to find something that actually meets your needs. 

 Now. And if that relationship was meant to be, it would have lasted and it didn't. So I just move on you're not selfish, selfish feelings, feelings are feelings. That's why we're been, you know, we're meant to feel this. So I acknowledge it, write about it, journal about it, talk to a therapist or a friend about it. 

 But, uh, ultimately I think you need to figure out how to move on and find something that actually serves your best. Keep moving forward. Great.  

The second question is from Juan from Texas. He says I'm 21 and I work three jobs to help support my family. I love my family. But I feel like I'm ruining my life, supporting them. Is it selfish for me to work more for myself? 

 Wow, I get that you're working three jobs to support your family. I don't know what the rest of your situation is based on the question, but you're only 21. And to want more for yourself is not selfish. You know, you weren't born just to support them. You were born to live your own life.  Meaning to live your own healthy, beautiful life to one more is not selfish. 

 How would you change that?  it depends on your circumstances. You know, if your family can't live without more money to sustain them, then I really I don't know how to answer that question. But assuming they can sustain t

But it's not selfish to want more for yourself. So in whatever way that you can. Encourage you to find healthy ways to, to be more good one and, and, and, and yeah, move forward. I mean, I [actually have a family friend of mine who's 26 and she's primarily supporting her disabled mother who lives with her aunts. 

And, you know, she wants to go away to college, but didn't feel like she could, because she was working so hard to support her family. Slowly, but surely she figured out a way for her to go away to school. And I don't, I wasn't privy to the financial rumbling going on in their household, but I know it was important for her to finally break away a little bit and figure out she has completely changed her life. 

So. You know, it all worked out. It was difficult in the interim while everybody was figuring out what the new normal was going to look like. 

Very similar to the question to the previous question that I answered, you know, growth is always difficult and feels strange and uncomfortable, but that's just the nature of the beast. 

The third Question- Beth, in Cortland, she says, I am a victim of abuse, both physically and sexually from my mother. I know it's different than your experience, but I'm not ready to forgive. How do I start?  

Well, this is a very sensitive and tough question to deal with. Um, I, it may be different from my own personal experience, but I have a very close family, friends. 

Was sexually abused by her father and she has never confronted him about it. She's never reported it. She never said anything except to be a cup of her. I think her mother and, um, and her therapist. And the thing is, is that whether or not you have, you've confronted your mom about this, um, My, my advice would be to just continue a relationship with your mother, that if you're not getting to a place where you can talk to her about it, you not forgiving her, can't move on from it. 

By continuing the relationship with her. You're just basically ripping the scab off of that wound every time it tries to heal. And I think for your own safety now, again, I don't know your particular situation. Yeah. And I'm not a licensed mental health professional. These, these, please read, please go find one on your own. 

 Somebody else that you can talk to about this definitely has their professional expertise in this, in this area. 

But learning how to forgive yourself or being victimized is an important thing. Learning how to eventually see yourself, not as a victim, but as a survivor. Um, as somebody who has gone through something horrific, but has been resilient and stubborn to, to live through it and thrive is, is something that's extremely important.  

Making sure that you are currently physically safe and emotionally safe is very important. Also, I, I would eventually start to. They say that forgiveness isn't necessarily a requirement for it. It doesn't make the perpetrator's life any different, but it makes the survivor's life fundamentally very different because he or she can learn to live their life without the weight of that. 

Resentment or grudge or fear or pain weighing down on them all the time. Ultimately the goal is to be able to live your life, regardless of that, you know, use the pain to make you stronger, use it, to make you more empathetic towards yourself and others and learn how you yourself, as a thriver and a survivor and build the life that ultimately makes you happy [and bring joy and meaning. 

And I don't necessarily think confronting the perpetrator has anything to do with that. So, my primary goal though is to make sure that you were safe and that you aren't constantly re-traumatizing yourself with a toxic relationship. So yeah. Still causing you pain and you were still chatting you still in your mom's in your mouth orbit, so to speak, uh, I would seriously consider removing yourself from that space so that you can heal and move forward. 

And absolutely, please, by the therapist, you cannot, I cannot stress how, how to express enough. Much easier. This whole process will be done with professional help. Wow.  

The next question for today. Thomas from Albany,  My boyfriend is the first person to make me orgasm in the bedroom. He's so caring. He's so caring and gentle. How do I get him to be like this outside the bedroom? 

Well, I have a sex therapist who has twice been a guest on Permission to Heal. Dr. Bell Bugatti. And the thing that she talks about most is with her clients as a sex therapist, isn't actually like biological things, like what goes, were kind of stuff, but much more about, about communication and safety and emotional freedom so that we can More comfortably without shame and embarrassment, talk to our partner about our own pleasure its fulfillment and what feels good and what goes in and so on. 

So if you're saying that what's going on in the bedroom is great and that's working very well, then that kudos to the two of you. That's fabulous. But, um, how do you transition that to the rest of your lives, to the rest of the 23 hours of, uh, of life you have every day together? 

From one human to another, again, not a mental health professional. It’s kind of a difficult thing to manage if we're not openly communicating. what it says to me is that if what's working in the bedroom is working so well, then obviously the two of us could communicate. 

Why not just tell him what you want? Tell him what your expectations are and ask him what his expectations are and what he wants and how you can each make it better for each other.  

Don't say it in like an accusatory way, like what I want to do, but talk about what you want in terms of “I messages”. For example, 

I wish that we were more affectionate outside the bedroom.

I would like for PDA or I would like more conversation. 

I would like us to go out more. 

Our relationship is going so well, and I would like to see our relationship get even closer. 

Start by having some really open discussions and conversations. Then if the most vulnerable thing that you could do well, then having a chat about how to not be that difficult.

I hope this helps. 

 Thank you all for writing in DMing me through IG at @marcibrockmann27  and asking your questions. I hope I helped.

Listeners, Please DM me your questions through IG at @marcibrockmann27  and I will answer your questions on future Bonus Ask Marci Anything episodes of the Permission to Heal podcast.