Elizabeth Hamilton Guarino is one of America's foremost personal and corporate consultants, specializing in mindset, strategy, leadership, and actions. As a trusted leader, Master Life Coach, consultant, trainer and speaker, and best-selling author, Elizabeth has helped thousands around the globe be their best and achieve world-class excellence.
Elizabeth is the author of multiple award-winning books in the self-help and children's book genres, including her latest, The Change Guidebook - How to Align Your Heart, Truths, and Energy to Find Success in All Areas of Your Life.
Her previous book: Percolate: Let Your Best Self Filter Through
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Best Ever You Website, Best Ever You PODCAST, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram.
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Permission To Heal Podcast - Episode 93 with Elizabeth Hamilton Guarino
It's within you if you, if you really practice and focus on being your best. But it is aligning your values, your beliefs, your goals and everything. You know that that needs to be in alignment. You gotta really practice what you preach. Practice what you think, practice what you wanna do. You almost have to be it already if you're trying to achieve something great as well.
Hello and welcome to Permission to Heal. I am Marci Brockman and I'm really thrilled that you are here. I really am genuine. Excited to share with you this conversation I have with Elizabeth Hamilton Garino. She is the founder of the Best Ever You Network, which she founded more than a decade ago.
[00:00:23] She's one of America's foremost personal and corporate consultants specializing in mindset, strategy, leadership, and actions as a trusted leader, master life coach, consultant, trainer and speaker and bestselling author Elizabeth has helped thousands around the globe be their best and achieve world-class excellence.
[00:00:43] She is an author of multiple award-winning books in the self-help and children's book genres, including her latest, the Change Guidebook, how to Align Your Heart Truths and Energy to find success in all areas of your life. And she goes through the 10 steps to helping yourself adjust to change, to get in touch with what your values and what your heart's desires are and set yourself up for living a life that is aligned with your heart and your values.
Welcome Elizabeth. How are you today? Thank you so much, Marci. Great, thank you.
[00:00:58] I'm better now that all of our kids are back from college. Yes, it's nice having everybody home, but you know, again, the bills are gonna pile up with all the back to school stuff and everybody out the door again. But, you know, you're, I do, we just got finished paying for two undergrads and the our, or. You know, one son's master's degree, he got the state of Vermont to pay for, so yay.
[00:01:27] Yay. It's a nice science grant that Vermont offers. And between that and the uvm, he actually got paid to do his master's there, so that doesn't suck. No, but we're empty nesting it now. It's the really, it's the weirdest, the weirdest thing. My husband and I each brought two kids into this marriage.
[00:01:48] Mm-hmm. And his two are older, so one's in Florida with five kids and happier than a clam, which is great. One's on Long Island, still where we are, but lives in another county. we see him a couple times a month, and my two are both living in the Boston area now. One's actually in Cambridge and the other's in a suburb north of Boston.
[00:02:09] And. I miss them so much. I feel like someone chopped off one of my arms, you know? Yeah, yeah. I hear you. It's like the world's right. Again, when they're all home and there's a lot less la a lot more laundry and a lot more cooking and a lot more, you know, they, I, I have four, four sons, so they kinda all hang out together.
[00:02:28] Oh my God. Your food bill must be astronomical. This is wild. Yeah. Yeah, it is the la the laundry and food. Laundry and food. Laundry and food is pretty fun. Constant. Yeah. Yeah. They're, , 21, 23, 25, and 27. The oldest one. Yeah. The oldest one has a, a new apartment and a, and a new, I call him my grand kitty. A new cat.
[00:02:48] Nice. And yeah, we joked around about that all week weekend. He brought him home this past weekend and, for us to meet him and he was nothing like a new little kid. Oh my god. Big. No. And, and, you know, we had a hand in the name and everything. He was really cool about it. So. Great. What'd you name the cat?
[00:03:02] I think we named him Theo. I, I think he's speak cute. That's cute. Toga and Theo. I'm like toga. I don't, tonga's weird. Theo's cute. Yeah, Theo's cute. Yeah. Yeah. So, but, um, yeah, he sends us videos on the phone and, you know, we're, we're, we're, yeah, cat precious. As if we didn't have enough animals though too. You know, we've got four boys.
[00:03:23] Three cats, two dogs, you know, it's, it's And a partridge and a pear tree. Yep. Oh goodness. I dunno if I can sing, but I just did, so whatever. It's fine. It's all good. If you think you can, you definitely can. Yes. Hey, so we are here. Yeah. To talk about being the best selves that we can be. Oh yeah. You know, I think that's the message on this whole Permission Hill podcast.
[00:03:52] You know, like, who the freaking hell are we, what are our values? How do we get past the trauma and get out of our own way to live the lives we know we're supposed to be living. Yeah. And your change guidebooks seems to give us the tools. It's kind of resonating. Yeah. You know, I, I kind of, that's that same thing that you just said.
[00:04:16] Uh, it, back in 2007, eight, I was doing that. I, I thought that my career was gonna just woo, take off. The second, the little one went back into first grade and I was gonna get all suited back up and go out the door and go back into the financial services industry. And after about a year of that, I went, ah, I hate this.
[00:04:33] And I closed my door and I'm like, there's gotta be something better than this. Best ever. You best ever me. Best ever. What the heck? And best ever you stuck because I thought, You know what? I bet there's a lot of people like this trying to figure out what they don't wanna schlep to work. They do. They don't.
[00:04:49] Sometimes they do, sometimes at times they don't. You know, it's, it's all over the map. And so, um, yeah, I, I really started way back then, you know, many years ago now with Best ever you trying to help us all be our best in whatever that is and mm-hmm. Um, it's, it's, it is all over the map a little bit. It's like, what is it exactly, what's the exact recipe that helps somebody be their best, you know?
[00:05:13] Well, there are so many competing complicated things for our time and our energy, so many responsibilities that we have, and I think it all gets muddled. It can, if you're not careful. I mean, it really can if, if you're not careful. And I think that was my biggest point, way back when was to help people really understand that they're not entitled to time.
[00:05:37] And go from there with the premise that you're not entitled to time. Things kind of shift around a little bit. It's like, you know, these moments are gonna pass and what exactly did you do with your time? What exactly did you fill, fill it up with, what'd you do? And uh, you know, I think we're in such a rush all the time to, to go here and go there and do this and do that and fill up our dance cards to the, you know, to the Hil.
[00:05:59] And I remember as a mom of four boys each two years apart, I was like, I, I, I'm one human being and my husband's the other human being and we can only do so much at once. I remember you made amount of energy and, and time. Yeah. Right. I remember going, you know what, I'm not gonna overschedule everybody. I'm not gonna do that.
[00:06:19] No. I'm gonna just let people breathe and be and everything and read, play video games, walk. You know, whatever it is that you're gonna do, but not be that mom that was gonna be like, we're gonna have, each kid is gonna have five sports they play and, you know, 10 play dates a day. My kids, I only have two at a time.
[00:06:39] Yeah. But I limited them to two things. You, you can only do two things after school. Like, yeah. I, I, you don't have the bandwidth. I don't have the bandwidth. Forget it. You know, and I'm a firm believer that our creativity and our imagination grow from downtime. Oh. You have to learn how to sit with boredom.
[00:07:05] Amen. Or to sit in the quiet and entertain yourself, you know, figure out what the hell you're gonna do. So, and like yourself in those quiet moments too, you know that that self-esteem and self-confidence and everything that, um, so much comes from, from those places of pause and quiet and, and you know, the inter, you know, Being introverted or introspective, you know, whatever that is.
[00:07:28] Right. Um, to, to, to grow and learn about yourself. So, yeah. Um, yeah, I was, I was a, you know, they, they naturally kind of scheduled themselves and gravitated toward things they like to do. Right. But it's on, it's on them finding that passion and the motivation and inspiration within to, uh, sorry folks to understand what they like to do.
[00:07:50] Yeah. It's, sorry, the shot. I thought I shut my phone off, but, oh no, I, um, it's all good. Yeah. I, I think I put mine in an airplane mode or something. Hopefully that'll work. But yeah, you know, just, um, having, um, you know, the courage within to, to cultivate greatness within, it's, it's, it's within you if you, if you really practice and, um, and focus on being your best.
[00:08:15] But it is aligning your values, your beliefs, your goals and everything. Um, You know that that needs to be in alignment. You gotta really practice what you preach. Sure. Practice what you think, practice what you wanna do. You almost have to be it already. If you're trying to achieve something great as well.
[00:08:31] Yeah. Yeah. You have to start, I I you, in your book, you say you have to start with your heart and, and listen to figure out by listening to your heart what you actually. Yeah. And you know, one of the things, I know we were talking about kids a little bit, but it's kind of cool actually because you know a lot of people who doesn't want little parenting advice here and there.
[00:08:52] And, uh, well, I don't know if I've got that credentials to, uh, to give parenting advice out. I can share some of the things that we did. I, I know more and more ons and stuff. People are like, your mom of four boys, what do you think? And one of the things that I, I think as far as hearts are concerned is taking a look at, uh, what your kids are naturally doing as very young, young children.
[00:09:12] And I know we've paid close attention. My husband actually suggests, you know, let's look at what they're doing kind of naturally on their own and develop that if they want to, you know, put opportunities regarding that. And so, um, all four of them kind of did that. Uh, we had one child who just incessantly looked at the stars and the weather mm-hmm.
[00:09:30] And loved thunderstorms and all that. He's getting his master's degree in geoscience and applied meteorology. So we have a meteorologist on board. Yeah. You know, things like that. We've got another kiddo who, um, um, Just constantly, not e every object was something to throw, but pretty much right with your left hand.
[00:09:49] And he's a left-handed pitcher playing for Georgetown. Um, that's awesome. Yeah. And so, yeah, and, and the other two as well, you know, just equally, um, very weird one who was very social, um, you know, and he does, he does management and leadership and the other one was very gifted in science and math and he's taking his MCATs on the 20th.
[00:10:09] And so That's awesome. Um, you know, you want your children to succeed but not what you want them to do. You wanna develop what they love to do. Exactly. Uh, and so yeah, I'm sure you feel, I'm sure you've got that same thing thing I heard all. Absolutely. Absolutely. My son used to stare off into space when he was a, a very small child before he had the language to tell me what he was thinking about.
[00:10:32] And I, I took him to all sorts of doctors and therap for tests cuz I'm like, there's something wrong with him. He just, Stairs off into space and he just is somewhere else. And it turns out that he was just super intelligent and was doing higher order math in his head before he actually had the language to explain what the hell his brain was thinking.
[00:10:54] Yeah. And now he's a mechanical engineer, you know? Yeah. And they paid for his master's degree. Right. And they paid for his master's degree and uh, he just got a job working in some sort of biotech firm that he can't tell me about cuz he had to sign an nda. So, you know. Okay. Beautiful. He's happy. That's awesome.
[00:11:13] He's their, they're automation engineer. He's inventing of that things to help them automate their biomed process, whatever the hell that is. So Yeah, that's as much as I know, I, you know, I love the fact too that, um, you know, you, you applied love instead of like the what's wrong kind of, you know, you know.
[00:11:36] Put, put, putting the energy into something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. Instead you went all love on that and look, yeah, yeah. What's right. Yeah. What's right, what's right. I hear actually, what's the gift? Exactly. Once we could eliminate that, there wasn't something medical going on. Yeah.
[00:11:52] Then let's go with it. Yeah. Absolut, you know? Absolutely. Yeah. And, and my daughter has been drawing and writing and creating since she could hold a pen or a crayon or a marker in her fist. Yeah. And she's a writer and an artist, so, you know. Yeah. Is that the picture behind you? No, that's mine actually. Oh, I love it.
[00:12:13] Yeah. I love that picture. That's really cool. Thank you. It's no neuro graphic art. It's free, gorgeous form, and it's supposed to sort of, it's meditative, it's the most intuitive, meditative kind of art that, that, uh, that I, that I've ever discovered. Everything comes out differently, every single time and, and the way the.
[00:12:33] The freeform lines are drawn. It's supposed to represent neurons in a way, so very, I don't know. I bring it into my classroom. I do it with my, I'm an English teacher, but I do that with my students a few times a year. You know, it sparks the brain. Exactly. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. So I mean, I think, so I think one of the keys to, you know, r really lasting success is to go right here in your heart.
[00:12:57] And so as an adult, if we translate that to, uh, you know, adults, sometimes we drift from right here. Mm-hmm. And we get stuck and we don't know where, you know, where to go next or what to do next. Sometimes we're fearful, you know, we don't, most people, um, I think if you, if you put people together, they'd be like, Hmm, I'm not sure about my view on change.
[00:13:16] I love, some people love it, some people hate it. And the majority are like, eh, I'm good with things staying the same. And we love to be creatures of that comfort zone. And so when we need to get on what's the same, isn't making you happy then. Go right here and right. Yeah. Yep. Go right here. But go right here outta your comfort zone and think, you know, what is it that I truly love?
[00:13:34] What is it and what's blocking me from what I truly love to do? You know? And, and I can, I, you know, I think about, um, just me with cookies. Like, one thing I truly love to do is make chocolate chip cookies. I love them. I, I love to bake them. I love to give them, I love to, I've probably, you must share your recipe.
[00:13:51] Couple hundred, your planet. Probably made a couple hundred thousand cookies now for literacy, for sports groups and everything. It's just one of the things I did when the kids were little, I, I donated a lot of cookies and did story times and readings and stuff like that all across the country. Thank you.
[00:14:06] Yeah. It was super fun. But, you know, my heart goes, ah, cookies. And, you know, when everybody was home, I went and made cookies. I don't know if I, if I'm, you know, riped to make a living out of making cookies. It's a lot of cookies. You gotta bake and sell to pay rent and things like that. Sure. But, you know, you know the, that's something that makes.
[00:14:23] Makes me feel, uh, successful. Mm-hmm. And, and it, it leads into that, you know, success isn't, uh, necessarily the dollar in your bank account. This, you know, I, I really measure people, people smile. Mm-hmm. Is a fantastic measure of success, right? Yeah. So that's where I go with, with heart to success and adults.
[00:14:45] And when you're Dr. So when you're drifting from what you feel, you know, if you feel unsuccessful or if you, if you've got those negative feelings going on, go right to the heart and really close your eyes and pause like we were talking about earlier. Pause and, and, and get quiet and really hear yourself, because this talks loud, probably louder than a gut ache.
[00:15:06] Your heartaches, uh, Yeah, listen to it. In your book you have, you have 10 stages, steps, I forget what you call them, 10 points, stages, steps, whatever you wanna call 'em. Yeah. That, that help people get in tuned with what they, what they want. Yeah. Would you share some of them with us? Sure. Um, I'll just start at, you know, at the beginning.
[00:15:26] Um, sure. So, yeah, I really think one of the most important things to do is take an assessment, um, and then after that sort of make choices. And so that's what points one and two. And there's a free gift actually that goes with points one and two on my website. It's, uh, best ever you.com/change guidebook.
[00:15:43] Um, that will be on the show notes. Yeah. Free to everybody. And the reason why I say that is cuz it's an assessment that I actually use on my birthday every year and I take a look at all the different areas of my. And maybe things that need to change or stay the same or improve or not stop, you know, that kind of thing.
[00:16:00] And, um, you know, from there I help people, like in my coaching practice, if you're with me, I'll help you craft a vision statement around, um, what it is that you wanna change or what it is that you're adjusting to, like a change that you didn't request or sign up for. And so the book helps you write your own vision statements.
[00:16:17] If you need help doing that, I say throughout the book, if you need me, let me know, right. Um, but uh, you know, and then from there we discover, wait, wait. So let's stop for one second. Yeah. I, I wanna, I wanna clarify what's a vision statement? Yeah. Vision statement. So, I help people write vision statements for themselves.
[00:16:34] And it's, um, like, let's say you want to be, I'll just take, uh, let's say you wanna play in the major league baseball. We'll craft a vision statement as if you already are. Okay. And you can read it and you can. Listen to it and so forth to get your programming changing here. Because if you, if you don't think you are, you won't.
[00:16:55] That's for sure. Sure. How you kind, kind of have to visualize your success sometimes in order to achieve things. Even if you've trying to achieve this and you land here, you know, you've, you've moved your brain and your actions and so forth in alignment with what it is you're trying to do. For example, if you, um, I also, towards the end of the book, I talk about engagement, mastering, and impact.
[00:17:17] Um, And mentoring and so forth. Mm-hmm. And peop other people, and your other people can have an impact on you. You can have an impact on other people by mastering the topic or change or whatever it is, teaching it to other people. Um, and we're telling your story, you know, if you've got this great story, we learn and we heal.
[00:17:36] Mm-hmm. We're, we're talking about healing here. We heal. That's what we do with this podcast. Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Yeah. We, we. We heal when we share. That's why I go on to podcasts and talk about my dad's stroke. It was like one of the most traumatic things ever, um, in her family. To me. I still am, like I miss my dad.
[00:17:52] He was a stroke survivor from 2004 to 2018. And, um, I, uh, you know, the, the healing involved, you know, that's why one of the reasons why I wrote this book is to, is to show people, you know, heart truths, energy aligning, keep going. You know, we, we grieve and get stuck. We do all sorts of things. Sure. But healing is huge.
[00:18:12] So it's, it's cool to be on your podcast to talk about, about healing cuz it's, it's so, um, such a piece of the puzzle. Um, well you have taking yourself time. Do you do to, to process new things? Like we were talking before we started the show that I, all, all of our kids are, have flown the coop. My husband's two and my two or, or are four, however you look at that.
[00:18:33] Yeah. They've all grown in, they're building their own nests and their own lives, which is exactly what they should be doing. Yeah. But. Knowing that that's what they want and that's what we want for them. Doesn't make the the letting go process of parenting any easier. It's a very bittersweet thing. And I, I think the two of us have spent the majority of the summer sort of hibernating, just trying to process the letting go.
[00:19:02] Yep. Yeah. You know, and, and I berate myself cause I, you know, I see on social media, everybody's doing all these things, but I'm like, no, I, I don't need to be running around right now. I need to listen to my body and my, my soul, which is telling me to chill for a while. Yeah. I, I actually talked about this in the book quite a bit, um, because same thing, you know, um, I can remember taking our oldest son off to college and well, it's a cool moment, but, and, and you're.
[00:19:31] Not breakdown and totally ball, you know. Oh, I was, I did, yeah. I tried to, I was hard. I'm like, sorry, con, it's gonna happen. And um, and then you're like, you get home and you're like, where did that time go? And it, it, it made me go back through old photos going, wow. He was like, just like three, like felt like it was like two seconds ago.
[00:19:51] And yeah, he's at college and I'm like, wow, this, and it felt for our family, it felt like it was this huge pivot. Mm-hmm. And it just kept doing that. And, and, you know, well you had four every other year it wasting again. Yeah. It was every, every other year we're like, oh, there goes another one. Oh, there goes another one.
[00:20:09] And I remember the la you know, the last one, his name is Quaid. I remember being like, well, you're stuck home with us, you know, and he's like, oh, this is actually gonna be cool. I'm gonna have so much attention. And, and we, and we flipped the script into like, oh, you're stuck home with mom and dad to let's do cool things.
[00:20:25] Right? And, you know, it's just one, let's travel, let's do this or that. And so we had some fun with him, um, that, you know, sometimes you, we weren't. Per se have by, with, you know, he always had other people around. Sure. Um, and, uh, so it's, it's hard being the youngest kid in a way. Um, but yeah, but they're all back home right now.
[00:20:45] Um, but I do remember, you know, for people, for people, that's a huge change in people's lives where especially for, you know, for me personally, I had wrapped a lot of my identity in them. Mm-hmm. I still kind of do. I had jobs. All the moms do. I think all of us do really, you know, I, you know, I'll, um, people say, well, what do you do?
[00:21:03] I'm like, well, I'm a mom of four boys. You know, forget the books, forget the, you know, I, I really, oh, I, I, I say I'm mom and I'm like four adult sons now. I don't know boys. But anyway, um, it's a huge change for us, um, to figure out what we're gonna do with our time. Mm-hmm. Because so much time was wrapped around, So many things there, laundry, dinners, sports, worrying, whatever.
[00:21:31] Well, and I also started to think, you know, at least for me, when I, when I decided I, I mean, I knew I wanted to be a mom since I was like three, but same when I, when I finally had the, the baby, I wasn't thinking past infant hood, you know? Yeah. And, and now you figure their childhood is, is roughly 18 to 22 years.
[00:21:56] You know, somewhere in there you take Yeah. But God willing, their lives are gonna be way longer than that. Yeah. You know, so the, the time that we have them as children is, is the, not, I don't wanna say minuscule, but a much shorter amount of time than we have them in our lives as adults. Yeah. So, I mean, what I'm in right now is this transition.
[00:22:22] And, and you are as well. I am too. Yeah. The transition from being the mom with the kids to being the mom with the adults. Yeah. And, and how to make that shift. It's evident when they're all back here this time too, you know? It's like they're all out in the pool. Do I go out in the pool as well or do I just let them be?
[00:22:44] And this time around they, they, I'm sure they're picking up on it, but mom's not hovering, you know, they don't, they don't need you to be the light. They don't need me to hover. Yeah, exactly. So they're, they're all getting in the car and going to play Frisbee golf or going out in the pool or making dinner or going out for dinner or whatever.
[00:23:01] And it's, it's really a cool dynamic. And my husband and I are like, okay, we have our own dinner. We have, you know, whatever it is. And we have dinners together and stuff like that of course, too. But, you know, just again, what you said earlier, you know, sort of letting people breathe. Yeah. B kind of like a step back almost to observe this, these new creatures that are 20, 21, 23, 25, and 27, they, they, the boys behave differently.
[00:23:27] They're different with each other. They have stories of what they've gone, you know, just, it's, it's really Yeah. Quite something. Yeah. So I, they're entitled to their own relationships with each other as adults Oh. And their girlfriends or, you know, whatever it is. Yeah. And, and I, you know, so one of the key things that I'm recommending is to observe, like kind of take a step back and participate, but observe and it's, yeah, it's working.
[00:23:54] And, uh, they, they've, they're perfectly okay making their own breakfast and mm-hmm. Doing their own laundry and making their own beds and doing all those things. And, uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta for a while now actually. That's amazing. Yeah, it's amazing when that happens, you know, all the hard work, all the molding, all the training.
[00:24:14] Oh yeah. And, and, and now they're like, you know, fully formed people, they can actually, you know, keep themselves alive and pay their bills and make their dinner and Yeah. You know, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Our oldest one, so ours are all, are basically all in college still, uh, master's degrees, um, and so forth at this point.
[00:24:32] One's a senior in college coming up, but we have one who, um, just got a, a job a, a while back and has his own apartment, known cat like I was saying, and yeah. And that's been pretty cool to, to see that as well cuz he, he, up to this point, he'd been back and forth in the house, like mm-hmm. He'd go apartment and then back in apartment and back in, and now he feels like he's got his apartment and his, yeah.
[00:24:56] Yeah. Since school now both of mine, both of my biological children have their own first. Post-college adult apartments with Yeah. Roommates, friends, whatever. Yeah. Cuz who could afford rent alone? Um, and, uh, it's just an, an am an amazingly odd but beautiful thing to very hot them establish their own. You know, their own homes, you know?
[00:25:22] Yeah. And we get the questions. I'm sure you got the questions. Oh, how do you, how cook this? How do you do that? How do you, how long do I boil an egg? You know? Exactly what's the best way to cook it. But my son is now like an amazing chef. Yep. You know, like he watches Gordon Ramsey and everyone on tv, and he does all those recipes.
[00:25:39] That's awesome. Makes pasta from scratch. Like he, he, uh, it, uh, yeah. Yeah. I got the same thing. You know, I, I came home with an air fryer and he's like, what is this air fryer? And so we bought him an air fryer as a gift for his apartment. And he's right. He'll send us pictures of everything he's cooked and done and all, you know, it's, it's super cute.
[00:25:57] So I'm, I'm so happy there's this invention called the cell phone. Oh my God. Cause I think, I don't know how my parents did it when, you know, I'm in the middle of 11. And so imagine that's stress. No. And um, not the stress of being in the middle of 11 kids. That too. But imagine from the parent perspective of everybody moving out and getting marriage grandkid.
[00:26:19] Your mother was pregnant for a more than a decade, had different marriages and stuff, but yeah, she was so, she had her, her sh fair share of those herself. Um, yeah, it's a, wow. And we're all pretty close and we're all two years apart. Everybody, um, from, I mean, we're from age, I think 36 now to 60 and everybody's in there.
[00:26:39] It's, it's crazy. It's a huge family. And, but um, can you imagine that without phones? No. Can you imagine the, like, having your kids, you know, without cell phones? Cause No, I mean, are cool and the instant texting and all that stuff. I mean, yeah, there used to be dial up phones, but, eh, well, I, my, I was an only child from my parents' original marriage, but when my mom dropped me off at college at 18.
[00:27:04] I was all too happy to have her leave. I needed to be on my own. That was a traumatic mess. My parents were going through a horrible, disgusting divorce and they weaponized me. It was a disaster. I needed to be as far away as I could get from both of them in order to not murder anyone. Um, but when I think about it from a parent point of view, they had no idea what I was doing.
[00:27:26] There was no way to check, they couldn't check my Instagram to see what I was posting. They couldn't text, they couldn't, you know, check on Life 360 to make sure I was still moving around there. You know, like there was, and I'm not looking to check up on them. I'm just looking to not worry, you know? Yeah.
[00:27:41] Go do what you're gonna do. Yeah, that's, I just need to stay sane. That's a really cool thing too. Kids, if you're listening, remember, we don't stop worrying, especially when you move out. So, you know, great. You have one, you know, reassurance you make. It's to just make sure mom worries a little bit less if you can possibly do that.
[00:27:59] And that's phone calls or texts. Yeah, things like that. I've got both kids on 360 and I look and I'm like, oh, they're at work. Hey mom, how are you? You know, just assures us. Okay, good. They're alive and you know, that's all. Well, I've got, we've got two of our, my husband and I have two of our sons and the, the 24 year old son's girlfriend all in a wordle chat.
[00:28:21] So if everyone does wordle every day, they're all good posts in the chat. Were good. That's all I need. Yeah, I'd love to know more. But if all you can do is do Wordle and post it, I know you're alive. Everything. That's awesome. Yeah, they have a brother's chat and they're, they, they humor me here and there. I think all of them are avoid Facebook, but they, they're, they're very good about texting and calling and all that good stuff, so yeah.
[00:28:43] It's awesome. Yeah, they, they're, they're aware that I'm, I'm quite the worrier here and there. Depending on everything, but, you know, and so, you know, as far as, as far as the, yeah, let's get back to the book. Yeah, no, well, no, I was gonna say as, as far as how that relates to the book, you know, it's, it's any change.
[00:28:58] Like, so let's say if you wanna lose weight or you know, a change that you know, you, you even asked for or didn't ask for something that's gonna happen anyway. You know what? Whatever kind of change it. The book applies. Sure. And those 10 steps apply. Um, because, you know, what do you do when your kids move out?
[00:29:15] You're gonna assess the situation, whether you, whether you're gonna do it here or on paper. You're still gonna assess the situation. Right. And then you're gonna make some choices. And then you're gonna grow as a human being. You're gonna maybe ask for some, some support, implement new things except things, la da da, da.
[00:29:30] And then you're gonna probably move to what we're doing. Um, we've mastered the topic on kids moving out and what are we doing? Still talking about it. Still talking about it. And that is what really helps the world go around, because somebody's listening going, oh, I'm not alone right now. Whether the advice is sage or not, it's still, you know, it's empathy.
[00:29:52] It's, ugh, I feel I'm right with you. And somebody might type in the comments, you know, oh, you know, I, I felt you on the laundry. Or I, you know, I wore all time too. Or whatever it is. Um, you know, and that's that. And, um, You know, and we have that impact on other people. And that's just a tiny example, um, in the book.
[00:30:12] Like I talk about Olympia snow. Um, what, and this has no bearing on politics whatsoever. Her being in the book, not absolutely nothing that's nothing, not nothing political in there. This is about her talking about how she went from being an orphan to who she is today, um, and the impact set on people. And she's in there with Haley Stark.
[00:30:32] Haley Stark went to school with my son, qua the youngest one. Mm-hmm. And she as a teenager, had a spinal stroke. Um, wow. She, she talks about surviving that, what all she went through. Um, and then she talks about her book she wrote, and now she's at Harvard. And so we can have these, this amazing impact on other people with our stories.
[00:30:53] Mm-hmm. Um, whatever it is. If it's from your kids moving out of your house to, you know, surviving a spinal stroke to my dad's stroke, to whatever is going on, um, we have. An amazing impact on other people if, if we allow it. Yeah. I mean, just your artwork behind you. I'm sure sharing that has impact on people.
[00:31:13] Yeah. I, I, I, I hope. Yeah. No, you know, you know, it does, it impacted me. I mean, the, the creation of art I learned, I didn't learn it until my forties, but the creation of the art heals me. Yeah. And so many people's what art therapy is, you know, like, and I've been doing this between expressive writing and painting since.
[00:31:35] A small child not knowing that I was gravitating towards things that would actually help me process and heal the trauma of my mom's mental illness and addiction. So yeah. And we heal pe we heal by letting pe other people know they're not alone. You know, there are many other people in the world who have, who have had a mom who has struggled with mental health and addiction.
[00:31:55] Mm-hmm. And when you connect with those people, you, you know, you hear each other. Right. Um, you know, Olympia Snow, um, orphaned at a very young age, she talks about that and then her husband's death later on and all these things, um, to, to show people that they're, they're not alone. And the, and the book isn't, um, all sad stories like that.
[00:32:15] There's some, you know, incredible stories. Um, there's 20 contributors actually. So for each of those 10 points, one of the ways that I tried to nut, um, to help people so they didn't feel alone, was to include stories of change from other people. Mm-hmm. So the book is structured, so it's like narrative from me.
[00:32:32] Two exercises to kinda illustrate the point and then two stories from contributors so that, um, you'll understand how they navigated change or that point of change. That's beautiful specifically. Yeah, it was really fun to write. The energy behind the book was so cool. I said, Hey, okay, I'm gonna write another book.
[00:32:48] Cuz it had been, uh, gosh, uh, quite a while. It, it's been quite a while since my Hay House book. Yeah. Percolate. Yeah, percolate. I, I kind of felt. I don't know what else I'm gonna say. I don't know what else I'm gonna do and I don't want to have something happen just so I can write a book or, you know, I didn't wanna, you know, I'm like, oh, I'm good, you know, kinda thing.
[00:33:06] Nothing happening right now, so I'm gonna be kinda quiet. And then, then my dad passed away and I'm like, oh, okay. I got something to say again. And um, you know, I, I'm gonna wipe off the tears cuz you know, he said before he passed. We're putting one paw in front of the other and you keep going. And I'm like, oh, this sucks.
[00:33:22] You know, kind of thing. And I really got pretty good and stuck for oh, quite a while after he passed away. And I didn't want, well grief, Justin the best ever. You wore a book Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm like, I give up, you know, kind of thing. That's, you kinda have to for a while to process the grief too.
[00:33:37] Yeah. You that I give up was like the surrendered grief for me. It's like, okay, you know, I just don't feel like being on the radio right now. I certainly don't feel like writing under the book right now. I feel like crying actually. And, uh, allowing and that's what you should do. Yeah. And that's exactly what you should do.
[00:33:53] I learned cuz you know, I. I learned in that moment that I eat too. When I'm grieving. I'm like, oh boy, here comes the pizza. But I also learned in that moment that, you know, when you have a change like that, when, when, um, you know, parents, my parents are a little maybe different from yours, which is, you know, we're all different.
[00:34:09] My parents were married 45 years and had an incredible marriage. Their first marriages weren't so incredible, but their second ones to each other were great. Um, and when you've been married that long, you as kids, we were like, oh no, we better not lose both parents at. Yeah, because there's a huge statistics that says when you've been married that long, within five years, usually the spouse is D too.
[00:34:31] And I'm like, oh no. And um, right after my dad died, about a year after my mom had her own surgery that she needed to contend with. And so I felt like, um, I had to really put on some, you know, big girl pants, you know, and be like, okay, we gotta toughen up a little bit here. Because my job was to come from Maine to Minnesota, um, as the one child in the family who could kind of stomach it going, you know, everything going on and be strong and everything and help my mom.
[00:34:58] Through her surgery and healing. Right. For the six weeks following. And so I, I was in Minnesota for a good, solid two months, um, for my 50th birthday. And, um, which my mom did get up and go play bingo with me. That's what I wanted to do. Okay. She, we played bingo at Mystic Lake Casino for my 50th birthday, which was a huge funny goal.
[00:35:18] I'm a bingo party. Well, you know, it signifies, you know, that kinda aging thing. Sure. And, uh, bingo, bingo and aging kind of go, go together. And, uh, but you know, she, she lived and is doing great right now, but she was really wonderful. Suck and win. Terrible. After he passed away, I just was like, oh, this is the worst.
[00:35:37] And we were all going, how do we do this? And so, you know, I, I talk about that a lot. It's just, you know, don't get stuck. You gotta really move out of the hamster wheel stuck thing, even if it's grief. Even with grief, you need to do a little something different every day to keep yourself Yeah. Going forward or you do get stuck.
[00:36:00] You do. Yeah. I heal, heal, heal, heal, heal, heal. I had a really tumultuous relationship with my mom growing up and even into my adulthood, and as her opiate addiction got worse. Oh, so did our relationship, obviously. Yeah. And it got to a point where I, I had to cut her out of our lives. Oh. Because she j she didn't, she stopped existing and it was just the drug addicted version of her, the addiction monster was what took over.
[00:36:36] Right. And the, the, the, the little, yeah, I get it. You know, it's just, it's too much and you have to kinda bubble wrap your own family from it. Right. And, and I, if I had not been a mom, I would've probably, It's been her punching bag forever. Yeah. Metaphorically. Not literally. And, and then one moment in January of 2012, I believe she just had a Jerry Springer show kind of meltdown in my living room.
[00:37:05] Mm-hmm. And attacked my children and I, it was like a light switch, like, Nope, no more. Get the fuck out. Sophie love you, but leave. Yep. Because you can't do that. My kids went running into my daughter's room, slammed the door, locked it, and were crying on her bed in fear over. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah.
[00:37:26] The inter trauma stops right here. Yep. We are done. Yep. And that's, and that's that permission to be authentically you. It's tough, isn't it? You know, to break that cycle and to, to do to, and I was angry who you wanna be. I bet you were angry. The anger and the fear and the mama lion fierce protectiveness.
[00:37:46] Yeah. Gave me the power and the will to do that, you know? Yeah. And, and then I wrote her this really long letter that I FedExed to her so that she couldn't say that she didn't get it. And I explained, you know, if you go into rehab, I'll be there for you every single day for the rest of your life. You'll never be alone and I will help you.
[00:38:05] Yeah. And love you. But if you choose the drugs and ignore that, you will never see us again. And I was her only child, and my children were her only biological grandchildren. So we literally will never see you again. Talk about a choice your mom had to make. Well, what'd she do? She chose the drugs because she was too far gone.
[00:38:27] They're addicted. Yeah. Too far gone. She didn't have the power. And I had prior to this had taken her Yeah. To doctors looking for help. And she categorically refused it every single time. And, you know, she's grown up. I tried calling the, the geriatric version of cps. Whatever that's called. And was basically told that she and my stepfather were grownups and there wasn't anything that I could do to intervene legally.
[00:38:55] And that was that. I mean, they were pushing each other and kicking each other and shoving each other and punching holes in walls. And it was a bad situation. And I could do nothing except protect myself and my kids, circle the wagons and push them out. And that was the end of that. And then I found out a year and a half later that she died from, you know, in her sleep.
[00:39:17] Congestive heart failure was the official diagnosis, but it was from drugs, you know? And, and, and I was the only one would apologize her. Nobody would say anything. And I'm like, so we're gonna just bury her and not say anything. I'm her only daughter. I had to figure out and, and we're Jewish. So we only had 48 hours from the moment that we found out she was dead till we had to put her on the ground.
[00:39:42] So in 48 hours, I had to figure out how to go from anger and resentment to some place of love and respect in order to give her the sendoff that she deserved, you know? And I didn't know how to do that. I mean, how, how do you do that? Therapy doesn't work that fast. So I went through 70 some art years of photographs.
[00:40:11] I happened to be the keeper of the family photographs, and there was a reason for that. And as I was going through all these photographs, I started to see her as a little kid and as a toddler, and as a small child, and as a teenager, and as a young adult and as a new mom. And I started to remember the beauty and the generosity and the love and.
[00:40:33] And it allowed me like almost high speed healing in a way to get to a place where I could speak to her, speak about her with love. Good for you. Good for her too. You know, having the respect, sometimes people need you to have more respect for them than they have for themselves. Yeah, it's, and that true.
[00:40:52] And, and that's a form of healing too. Um, I mean, I wasn't near done. No. And it took me a long time after that to still come to town. Oh yes. Yeah. Did you, did you, could you ever pinpoint the moment in her life where she, she turned to drugs? Like, was there a moment that that happened? She, she, do you remember?
[00:41:11] Or do you know? I'm just curious. No, she had been, um, a hypochondriac her entire life. She was sick. Okay. As a child. Yeah. Um, she had rheumatic fever and was in bed for 11 months. And, um, always, I think after that felt. At a step with everyone else. Yeah. But you as a child saw her, uh, as basically an addict.
[00:41:36] Your whole, was that your, or? No. Well, I, I, I think I was too naive, a little rose colored glasses Pollyanna-ish to sort of notice, you know, um, she was an undiagnosed bipolar, so my entire life she was in and out of therapy. Yeah. And every time a therapist would say to her, Janet, you know, you've got some work to do the, it's not entirely everyone else's fault.
[00:42:05] Yeah. You know, there comes a time where you have to start looking at your own behavior and what are you, what are you doing to fix you? She would then say that the therapist was a quack and fire them and then go find someone else. Because what she looked for for 40 some odd years of her life was somebody to say, no, you're a saint.
[00:42:23] You're amazing. It's all their fault. But of course that's not true. So she wasn't ever gonna get anyone to say that. Yeah. And, and so, you know, that's tough. They'd, they'd give her medication, mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety, depression, all this other stuff, and she would just. Take her own little cocktail of these things, which is how it started.
[00:42:45] Yeah. And then she had, you know, Crohn's disease and she was in and out of No, no, no, no. Hospitals and surgery. And, and they just, every time she would have surgery, they would give her more Vicodin and they'd give her more oxy. And then she heard her neck and she was just such a doctor shopping, hypochondrial pain in the ass that the doctors just gave her tons of medication to shut her up and get her outta their offices.
[00:43:11] And so at the last few years, she had a boot sized shoebox filled with prescriptions that she just mix and matched herself and, um, that killed her. Yeah. You know, luckily now there's a medical database where all of those controlled medications are control. So that you can't doctor shop anymore, right?
[00:43:35] Yeah. You know, but it's still, you know, who, who's to say you don't get it off the street somewhere, you know, like we have a, a horrible opiate epidemic in this country. Yeah, we do. I and I, I, I've got a couple things going, racing through my head. One is that I, I kind of, I absolutely applaud you for sharing the story because I bet it helps so many people.
[00:43:55] I know one of my, um, best friends lost her, her daughter, um, one of my sons lost one of his friends. I mean, I think we all know somebody or yeah, know somebody who knows somebody who has lost somebody through, um, drug and alcohol addiction for sure. Um, so it's important to, to, to talk. But I, the other thing is that I'm, I'm so proud of you for, for putting in the change.
[00:44:20] Thank you. Yeah. That's tough. I mean, that is really tough because you're, you're probably wired even to. Follow her as a young, you know what I mean? As a kid and you, and you don't well there, you know what I mean? You, you get Yeah. When you're around it, you get, you know, you, you submerged in it. So you likely could become it without making a very distinct choice.
[00:44:44] And that moment where you, where you said to your, you know, your mom and your kids, you know, you go here and you go here is very powerful. Well, it was even before that. I, I remember as a 14 year old, making a very conscious change. Conscious choice. Yeah. These behaviors didn't work for her, so I'm not going to do them.
[00:45:04] I'm gonna do the opposite. So she became my cautionary tale. And that is one thing I always say to people, I can't even stress that enough. When you see, like, you know, as parents, we're not perfect and I'm sure my k I don't know if my kids are gonna turn around and go, oh my God, she was so horrible. I have to do the opposite.
[00:45:21] I don't know if I've got that level. But there's subtle things where sure, they're gonna do different things and we want them to do different things. You've gotta grow and be as people and so forth. But when you're in those situations, sometimes the only way that I've seen anyway, to like, um, like I chose to do the opposite, um, with the way I got divorced.
[00:45:42] Mm-hmm. The divorce I was raised with was chaotic. Right. My divorce was, I'm like, we're getting divorced, we're co-parenting. We're gonna be nice to each other. We're gonna, you know what I mean? Right. We're gonna disagree, but we're gonna overall put, you know, the kids first and all this stuff. And, um, I think I remember think thinking, I gotta do the opposite.
[00:46:05] Yeah. So I wonder how many people think that act actually, but not, not only think it, but do it cuz it is a conscious choice to be like, it's hard. It's so hard not to fall back into patterns and routines and so forth that you're used to or No. Or have been exposed to or whatever. Yeah. Um, I mean, for me it wasn't an addiction thing.
[00:46:24] No, no. I don't think, but it was people pleasing. Yeah. It was something performing. Right. Conforming my whole being into attempting to make someone else happy. Yeah. So that I could feel safe. Yeah. You know, like I, I became. I mean, I, I was born with my brain wired as an empath, so yeah, I both, and my behavior and my environment, I should say my environment caused the behavior or reinforced the behavior so that I'm really good at reading a room.
[00:47:04] Mm-hmm. I can feel people's energy right away and I can immediately in milliseconds know whether I'm safe or not and Yep. Have to consciously keep myself from. Doing things, protect your energy outside of my values that are outside of my boundaries to keep that peace. Because it's not, I've learned, it's not my responsibility to keep their peace.
[00:47:30] It's my responsibility to keep my peace. Yep. And so I, that's what I talk about energy. Yeah. Um, like if you go back to the book, so we talked about heart, we talked about being authentically you. You know, those moments where you're like, no, no more, you know, I'm gonna be authentically me here. I'm gonna maybe choose the opposite or choose something else to do or what, whatever it is.
[00:47:49] Um, and your children too, you know, they're gonna choose. Certain things that are authentic to them. Mm-hmm. But then that energy, you know, your, that energy in and out and so forth. And I love what you just said about, you know, being in a room and being like, guess what? My energy is the stuff that's gonna get bubble wrapped here.
[00:48:04] I love the bubble wrap thing. Yeah. Because I have a child who wanted to play football and I'm like, not without bubble wrap. And it made me think, it made me think about all the instances where I've wanted to like bubble wrap myself or people or everything. So I always joke around about bubble wrap in a way.
[00:48:20] Super serious. Yeah. About, you know, a metaphor there of protecting your own self and your own energy and applying the, applying the energy. Because really, again, if you go back to it, we're, we're not entitled to time. What are you doing with your heart? What are you doing with you authentically? And what actions are you taking?
[00:48:39] Exactly Right. And how are they all lining up to make you feel productive, successful, happy, joy, you know, all the higher vibration things that are opposite to all the negativity and fear and everything. And so I like people to, you know, there's a balance of course, but I like people to really understand what makes them happy and what doesn't, and learn how to bring themselves back to the core.
[00:49:06] How do you do that? Huh? How do you do that? Like practice? Personally? Personally, the practice. Um, I remember my value. I remember my worth. Um, I have signs. Um, I, I, I put things in front of me to remember them too. Like, I have science, like if I look this way, it says, remember your value. Help people get results.
[00:49:26] Those are a couple things that I just remember, remember, remember. Yeah. And, um, you know, I, I, I go, I laugh at myself a lot. Yeah, you really do. I'm like, wow. You know, and, and when I laugh at myself, I get a little bit of the imposter syndrome going on. You know, it's like I have had people say to me really crappy, shitty things, you know, like, you write a book or, you know, I've had people say, you want one of my domains, my best, every domain.
[00:49:54] Somebody wanted it right off the bat. And they're like, you'll never be n anything. You're a washed up soccer mom. You're over 40. I'm like, listen, dude, my kids don't even play soccer. Click. You know, and, you know, and I like bringing out the bubble wrap, you know, kinda thing. Um, and you know, you just, I, I, I do, you know, I, not every moment of my life is perfect, but I've become, especially in my fifties, very aware of time.
[00:50:17] I, I, but I've kind of always been that person, like since I was itty bitty. Yeah. Very like, observe. Em, empath type, you know, kind of thing. Not real quick to engage, you know, just being like, okay, you guys all do that. I'm gonna go over here. Not, you know, kind of thing. Um, as a very young child, I, I write about this in the book too.
[00:50:38] This has been actually really hard to talk about because it's been isolating my whole life, but I'm not a drinker. Mm-hmm. Like my whole life I chose like, I'm just not, I don't know, it just feels like poison to me. And it did as a young kid, you know, as a high schooler. So I'm like, hmm, I'm good without that.
[00:50:54] And so I'm not drugs, alcohol, anything like that. No smoking or anything. And that's really been quite isolating. In a way cuz everybody, I have a culture and everybody loves to do this and that and another thing. And I'm like, I like to read and write and watch movies and walk and, you know, pretty, pretty mellow human being.
[00:51:14] And so those are so, I know kind of, I've known from a young age what makes me peaceful. But you know, as I grew up I'm like, well, maybe that isn't it. And so I'm like, Nope, nope, that's it. And so I've had to trial and error a few things here and there, but I know with this age, um, so what do I do? I I, I wouldn't say I'm super strict with myself or anything like that, but I am in a way.
[00:51:35] Mm-hmm. I know how I'm gonna behave or not behave right. And I make those choices in every moment. I'm, I'm like that. I dunno if that helps or not. No. But it really is a choice. You know, if you think about it, if you stop and make conscious choices, you know, and operate from, you know, like, okay, what am I gonna do in this next one?
[00:51:55] If you really stop, pause, and think, um, that helps. Mm-hmm. Stop, pause and think before you do. Really, to me really helps. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. You give your time a little space to process what's at hand and make a choice rather than leaping Yeah. With anything too. And that's like with your own energy or with other people's energy too.
[00:52:20] Like if you stop pausing, think before you respond. Mm-hmm. Do I, Hey, do you wanna go out to the, do you wanna get in the car? I've been drinking all day. I'm good. No, but some people get on in, you know, it's like, you know, you so stop, pause, think, and really think about, you know, and that's, that, that could be a little bit of pressure on you.
[00:52:40] It could be desperation, it could be, there's a lot of things that go into, go into play with our behavior. But, you know, examining your behavior is hard to do. Sometimes people don't wanna do that. I used to be the person who would've jumped in the car. Yeah. So everybody liked me. Yay. You know, kind of thing, because I didn't feel like.
[00:53:01] Talk about soul bearing. I didn't feel worthy enough to be loved and accepted to get in the car. So I got in the car so that I would do the thing that I thought would bring me the love and acceptance that I craved. Even though by doing so, I was abandoning myself. Yeah, this right here, this, when I do this, it's such about self-love and self-worth.
[00:53:28] Mm-hmm. Right here all day long. It's so tricky. I remember when, when Gary Coba years ago uttered the words to me, self-love, self-worth, self-respect, you know, all these things. And I was like, huh, self-love. I, you know, I get my accolades from other people so far, you know, or whatever it is. I, I mean, I was on a path of like, look at me, look at me.
[00:53:52] I'm pageant. I'm this and that, you know, and I'll, I'm like, oh, I get it. It's right here. Actually, not a lot of work to do right here. Mm-hmm. Um, and, and did that, did that work? So, you know, so, so you do become like a, I don't, I'm not gonna get in that car. I'm, I'm going to love myself. It's, it's an odd concept for people though.
[00:54:12] I've, when I work with people, I'm like, what do you know about self-love and self-worth? And some people will be like, nothing. Yeah. It's tough. It is, depending on your background or what you've been through or what your story is or whatever, um, you know, you might have to start with at scratch with self-love and self-worth, especially with probably being around addictive or alcoholic parents.
[00:54:35] Um, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't think a lot of kids, I don't, I raised my kids with the word hashtag gratitude on the refrigerator. I wish I would've added hashtag self-love. Hashtag self-worth, but I think they would've been like, what are you? Yeah, I I think I got it in there as they were saying.
[00:54:54] You probably got it in there. I probably got it in there. Yeah. But you know, you're, you, as you learn, you're like, ah, that would've been kind of cool to, to, and, and I know they know it now, but, um, You know, who doesn't need that. But then imagine to learn it on their own. I mean, you could have said it till you were blue in the face, but they have to experience it as well.
[00:55:11] Yeah, you do. I think some of the stuff you do have to kind of learn on your own through trial and error, but you wish, I always wish you could get, you know, a bunch of teenagers, middle schoolers or whatever and teach 'em all these concepts and have, help them grow up differently in the face of whatever's going on in their own households.
[00:55:26] I think it'd be so cool. There's so much more to teach at that level. Yeah. Um, you know, because half the time, like I was around a, a, just to interrupt me if I'm talking too much, but I was around a a you're a podcast poster. Yeah, yeah. There was like three girls. They were, I was at Swim Lessons with one of my kids and there were three girls and they were, I was just overhearing the conversation.
[00:55:45] They were teenagers. My mom over here going, Hmm, you got that wrong? But I'm not gonna interrupt yet. I'm gonna just hear this out. Like, she hates me. Oh my God, she's such a bitch. You know, it's three gossip girls. And I'm like, listen. Girls been there, done that. Have you ever stopped to think about what might possibly be going on in Jenny's background life house?
[00:56:08] Mm-hmm. Anything. Do you, maybe it's not you guys. Maybe she's got, have you ever just just go there with me and maybe think about her and they're like, oh. And, and anyway, the next time I saw them, they were like, that was a really good idea, Mrs. G. They were like, that was she, her parents are getting divorced.
[00:56:28] Her brother committed suicide. We'd never knew all these things about Jenny. And I'm like, Hmm, yeah. So maybe she's not being a bitch. Maybe she's just got crap going on and you're completely oblivious. And I didn't say exactly like that, but I wanted to. I'm like, oh, that's mean. And so that mean girl, that mean people stuff.
[00:56:45] The drama in high school and the drama is, you know, there's a lot of us. That's why I always say, you know, when you encounter people. Even if it's somebody you don't know at the grocery store or whatever it is, encounter people with grace, elegance, compassion, and a sense of collaboration. Yeah. Even if you're not gonna collaborate with them and start a business or whatever it is.
[00:57:06] But you know, we all go round and round and if we could approach people like that, my goodness gracious, wouldn't that be different if those girls approached Jenny with kindness, grace, elegance instead of like, oh my God, she's acting like such a bitch. Curiosity. Oh, there's a good word. Yeah. What, uh, just a sentence levels the playing field, you know, Hey, Jenny, what's going on in your life to make you know so angry right now?
[00:57:30] Right. Oh my God. Let me tell you. Do, do, do, do, do you know exactly. You know, I teach 11th and 12th grade English in a public high school on Long Island. Oh, you know this very well. And for the last several years I. Especially, you know, post pandemic Covid taught us a whole shit ton about, about all of this.
[00:57:49] And I approach my English classroom from a mental health standpoint now. Oh God, yes. So do I start expressive writing every single class period for the first five, 10 minutes of class? That's what we're doing. And I put up some, you know, inspirational quote or, you know, nice something and they can respond to it.
[00:58:08] It's, it's offered as inspiration or they can write about whatever they wanna write about. But everyone writes for five minutes straight. Oh. And, and so many of them think that it's the most, their favorite part of the class, and it, it really teaches them the value of expressive writing. And, and I, I have them hand in their work, but I don't read it.
[00:58:29] Yeah. You know, you know, that is cool actually, because, you know, I, I talk about this in our own house too. Or when I can about, you know, we've all been, whether you know it or not, we've all been through so much these past few years. Mm-hmm. People have been, you know, so whip side around, I mean, just everywhere.
[00:58:49] Um, we've had colleges stopped, sports season stopped. You're back home with your, you know, I'm free, I'm free on, and I'm not in Beckham with my domestic, domestic violence has increased and everything. Sexual abuse is increased and financial difficulties. Oh yeah. Just, I mean everything. And so, um, you know, in our house we're like, h how, you know, we'll say, how are you from Covid?
[00:59:10] And we've had answers as I'm not doing so good this week or today or whatever. Right. Why? Well, because due do, do, do, do. And so those, the open, those open lines of dialogue are so, that's so important. Kudos to you for doing that. Thank you. Oh, I, um, I'm, I'm going back to school. I'm at the beginning still, but uh, in a master's program to be a mental health counselor.
[00:59:35] And I was telling you before we started that, um, I was up till like five or six in the morning doing homework. Yeah. Um, and, and the assignment today, this, this week talk, is talking about childhood trauma in this class, this one particular class that I'm taking and, and I was up for hours in this, you know, going down the rabbit hole of YouTube suggests you watch this video and it was all about childhood trauma.
[00:59:56] And one in five have what they call ACEs Hi childhood trauma in, in their lives. And you know, like if you have a classroom of 25 kids, at least five of. Are currently suffering from trauma that they, or, or living in circumstances in that which they have no control and that are, and trying to hide it and trying to hide it.
[01:00:22] And it is negatively affecting every, every facet of their lives. Yeah. And, and letting that go unaddressed increases the chance of mental illness, of physical illness, of all sorts of detrimental, uh, effects later in their lives. Um, I put a story in, um, in the book of Paul, um, his name's Paul's Hidden disguised, um, in the book, but he's a local person that I know very well here.
[01:00:52] And, um, exactly that going. He tells a story of going through high school with, you know, drug and alcohol addicted parents and, you know, escaping fights through windows and all sorts of, of stuff b childhood trauma. And, um, and at the time no one knew a thing, right. You know, maybe some adults, but none of the kids certainly knew.
[01:01:14] He was just trying to be cool for, you know, cool for school, play, football, douce thing, you know, kind of everything. And, um, yeah, we, we hide stuff, don't we? Masters of disguise is we do, cuz we wanna blend in. We don't wanna call attention to ourselves. We don't want, especially as kids, as adolescents, we wanna be like everyone else and feel accepted Yeah.
[01:01:35] And feel belong. That belonging, even as adults. We do though I think maybe some, you know, as adults we crave that too. So many online communities and so forth. But, you know, we think that's, that's a big part of us as human beings is wanting to be loved. Being, you know, giving love, receiving love. Mm-hmm.
[01:01:52] Being liked, you know, all of those things, they go into play. So, um, that's, I talk a lot about being authentic and not shaping yourself into various, I call it the pretzel theory, kind of just to illustrate the point, you know, not morphing into different shapes to please people and so forth. Um, but being authentically you regardless.
[01:02:12] And if you're in those situations where you're hiding things and so forth, maybe it's time to pipe up and talk about them. Cuz you'd be surprised who will support you. Find someone you feel is safe and open up. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. If you've got something that's, that you're not sharing with other people, um, perhaps it's time so that you heal.
[01:02:35] Yeah. And, and like we said a minute ago, you know, ask someone you know, really authentically, Hey, what's going on? What's going on with you? You know, I, I have a friend of mine who I've known since high school. When I finally said that to her and told my story, she admitted that she had just been diagnosed with bipolarity and was on all this medication and was depressed and didn't know how to get out of her own way, and she was afraid to talk about it.
[01:02:58] Yeah. Guess what? Now we're talking about it and she still retreats. And if I haven't heard from her in a few weeks, you know, a text, a phone call, Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. What's going on? And then the floodgate's open. Yeah. I, you know, I think the best social media accounts too, um, for people who are, um, maybe not inclined to pick up the phone and have a conversation, you know, but they're, but they're silently studying everybody's perfect life in social media.
[01:03:26] Um, uh, I think some of the best social media accounts are the ones that are more vulnerable. Mm-hmm. Um, the ones that do show the clouds instead of the sunshine or whatever, to, so that, you know, you've, you understand that you're, no, not everything's perfect, um, and that you have other people to talk to. I, I just think that's so important to show flaws and vulnerability.
[01:03:48] Mm-hmm. Um, all the time. I really do. A hundred percent. I just think it's, you know, and that, it's funny cuz you see these people who portray these beautiful moments and lives and jets and perfect houses. And I like, I, I was talking to my husband, I'm like, should we have everything in our house just gleaming white and gray?
[01:04:09] I've been looking on No, no, I know the answer, but you know, I was like, our house is very lived in and very everything and I'm, look, I keep looking at, on Instagram it, for some reason my feed turn to like different houses and the interiors and they mm-hmm. Have perfect ceilings and lights hanging down and marble countertops and not an ounce of cat hair or dog hair, anything.
[01:04:28] And I'm like, Ah, I'm so glad of me. You know, I, I wanna show the dog coming in with the mud on the white couch. You know, I have a white couch. Oh my gosh. That my black cat loves to sleep on. Yeah. And the couch isn't white anymore. It's like this dingy gray. And if I, when I vacuum it, and really, then I can get it white again, but, but eh, then the cat doesn't have, yeah.
[01:04:55] So I just think half of the stuff out there is so, it's just so fake. So fake staged, maybe even staged for sale. I have no idea. But you maybe, maybe the view that they're showing you on the camera is just one little sliver and the rest of the house looks like orders or something. Sometimes. Sometimes I turn my camera this way.
[01:05:14] On this side of the room is the cat. Right. You know, you've got like, so people like, oh, I love your background. I'm like, let me turn to that couch where all the books are stacked and the cat litter is so, I ju I, right. I constantly laugh at myself. And I, for me, I like to make myself a little more real vulnerable and everything, um, for my own sake and for for other people.
[01:05:38] You know, especially when you're trying to help people be their best, um, you know, to, to help people be their best. You have to help them climb through sometimes feeling like they're the worst. Um, And to, you know, to get through some of that stuff. Mm-hmm. To help yourself feel better if you feel a little bit better every day.
[01:05:55] Awesome. Um, that's, that's what I hope for you. Oh, there's so many people who stole and wait until they think they're ready for a thing. Oh, goodness. Yeah. But that's the, that's the, you feeling a little entitled there to time, whether you know it or not. That's, that's stuck. Like I, I feel like with change, change is a really tricky topic and my whole goal with change is to like change.
[01:06:18] Change the way we think about change. Mm-hmm. Change the conversation about change so that it's not this, oh my God, they're gonna change. And I know people who feel like that. You know, I've had people come to me and go, I need to lose a hundred pounds. They're like, Ugh, how do I do this? Nothing's worked.
[01:06:32] Five pounds at a time. Time, yeah. Two pound, one pound, whatever it is. We, we make these baby steps or still steps. Yes. Make a tiny change and keep going and have, and, and keep the confidence. That's the thing, because you make a change and people go, oh my God, what are you doing that for? And you're like, oh, bubble wrap.
[01:06:52] You know, like, la la la la. And I call it a filtration system. You know, it's this, go right here, right here, whatever it is, and right here when you need to, um, to keep the changes rolling. And that's really how you get unstuck. That's how you make change is tiny little changes. And you stay true to yourself.
[01:07:11] You're authentic. You, you don't necessarily listen to the naysayers and so forth, but you find no, don't necessarily listen to them. You don't, you ignore 'em. So, yeah. And, um, is Renee Brown quote where she, she says, you know, don't listen to the people who aren't in the arena with you. Yeah. You know, if you're not out there slaying your own dragons and you don't know what it's like, shut the hell up.
[01:07:35] Yeah. Yeah. If you're sitting on your couch with your feet up and a tea cup of tea in your hand and you're not in, in the middle of the fight, then you can keep your mouth. Don't shutt. Have not shut. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I also think that sometimes people pipe up because they failed or what, you know, whatever it is.
[01:07:50] It's like, I don't need your negativity around my positive energy that's going this way. You're back over here. There's just a lesson to learn. There's no such thing as failure. So, yeah. And, um, so, but there's a lot of people who try and hold you back as you're trying to change, and it's really important.
[01:08:04] Absolutely. Tune those people out and, um, and follow your own heart, your own truths and your own energy. And, and, and go, go, go, go, go. I agree. Okay. So before we wrap up, we always do the seven quick questions. Are you ready? Uh, yeah. I think they're just spontaneous. I am. About you. Yeah. Um, what six words would you use to describe yourself?
[01:08:26] Oh, gosh. Benevolent, trustworthy, loving, compassionate, which is benevolence again, funny. And again, I'm counting on fingers here. See, so I get six. That's how I do it. Yeah. Like whatever. Um, and, and witty. Excellent. Um, what's your favorite way to spend a day? Oh boy. In the pool with my husband, just chilling out.
[01:08:52] Kids, kids, dogs, husband, pool, whatever. It's family in the pool. Awesome. In the pool. Okay. Not in the winter in Maine, but in the summer, in Maine. In the pool. Well, in the winter in Maine it would be ice skating. Yeah. Uh, what's your favorite childhood memory? Oh, probably skipping school to watch Star Wars at the big movie theater.
[01:09:14] That was fun. We took the whole family outta, so now I'm probably gonna get that detention I so deserved long ago. But that my parents took us all outta school. Well then they don't get a detention. Your parents took you, you were a kid. I have no idea. But yeah, we all skipped school that day and got in the vans and there, that's a lot of people.
[01:09:31] And we went to cinemas to watch Star Wars. Wow. Yeah. I remember going with my cousin and my uncle staring up at that screen and I, I knew it was epic. Yeah. Isn't it, wasn't it groundbreaking? But I have no idea what was going on. Yeah. I'm like, what the heck? I couldn't follow the story at all. It wasn't until like a couple of years later when it was finally on hbo when they used to call themselves home box office.
[01:09:56] Yeah. That I finally understood the plot. I'm like, oh, okay. Super cool. I get it. And I remember just being a pep squeak, but that was really cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, what's your favorite meal? Pizza. Ooh. Any kind of pizza. Just pizza. Excellent. Pizza. Pizza's awesome. Can't go wrong. Even bad. Pizza's still good.
[01:10:15] Oh yeah. Pizza. Uh, what's one piece of advice you would like to give your younger self? I think this whole podcast was about that, but Yeah. Yeah. Ease up. He's up. He's up. What is one thing you would most like to change about the world? Oh, we need another podcast. I know. Yeah. Okay. So I'm, I'm all about peace.
[01:10:41] I really wish that every, you know, we create our own trauma and disasters. I just, I wish we would just stop. I wish, I wish personally, this is probably ridiculous and whatever, but I wish we could all go wherever we wanted to go in peace. Everybody just, just you. If you wanted to go vacation there, here or there.
[01:10:59] But without religion. Just more, without, just, without just safe. Yeah. Wish you could Mal stood all of it. I just wish it would all start down all everything and just, you know, people disrespect everybody and we all could just move in peace. Mm-hmm. Wherever. I just think that'd be so neat. Cuz right now, like I really have never been outta the United States.
[01:11:22] I don't even know where I would go. I don't know. You know, but, you know, you just, I don't know how, I never feel safe. Yeah. I had more money when I was single. I was single for 10 years between marriages and although my kids were little, I had time and I hadn't paid for college yet. So things were Yeah.
[01:11:39] Whatever. I, I, and I was afraid to travel. Travel. I'm afraid single woman. I'm like, I'm just gonna disappear somewhere. Like, we're gonna make some stupid mistake. I'm gonna get hurt. I'm gonna be screwed up and stuck somewhere else. Yeah. And I didn't go anywhere and I regret cuz you know, like you said, times are only renewable, re non-renewable re resource if I could get that out.
[01:11:59] Yeah. And, you know, I don't have the energy I had 15 years ago. Yeah. I, you know, I think we'll be making some trips, but, you know, but, uh, on a, on a bigger scale, I just wish that we could go anybody anywhere. Mm-hmm. Without racism, without pu Sure. Just incredible. You know, the kindness, compassion, elegance, you know, collaboration all around everywhere.
[01:12:25] That'd be so cool. I agree. Wouldn't that be neat? That'd be beyond neat. It'd be just, yeah, I don't know what, I have no idea what steps Well look one podcast episode at a time, opening up one Heart to Change and authenticity at a time. If we all take responsibility for doing our own work and inspiring somebody else, we'll get there.
[01:12:50] Yeah. Yeah. Well said. Thank you. I just rift it off the top of my head. Um, okay, last question is really superficial and crazy, but, um, what TV shows or movies are you, do you love and do binge? Okay, so right now I am actually binge watching Dynasty. Really, I have no idea why. Wow. It cracks me up. I'm like, what in the world?
[01:13:17] I just, I, it was, I, I'm like, dynasty. Does it stand the test of time? It does. It's ridiculous. It's just absolutely ridiculous. Other than that, I'm a big fan of Breaking Bad, you know, all the, all the normal net. I'm a Netflix. Yeah. I got kids everywhere. We're, we're binge watching everything. But I do truly love Star Wars.
[01:13:36] Okay. Uh, could watch that over any kind of Star Wars over and over again. And I love the movie The Fugitive, and I love the movie, the movie Love. Actually, I watch those movies, actually. We play a million Times. Yeah. Yeah. Fugitive's really cool. Shaw Shanks Cool. Uhhuh. Yeah. There's a bunch of movies that I'm, I was raised, my parents owned a, a video movie store rental.
[01:13:56] Oh, so you've seen, so I know, but I can do, I do movie quotes all day long and all that stuff. So I watched a lot of movies, a lot of tv. Um, but I can, you know, I write a lot too. But right now, dynasty is my jam. It's so hot here in Maine. It's been like in the nineties, eighties. The homes here don't have air conditioning.
[01:14:14] Um, oh cool. So we've got window units in and things like that, but it's so miserable out. I'm like, wow, this is a different summer this year. And so, oh, it's so hot. I feel like I've hardly left the house, haven't heated my pool and my, usually we're dying to heat the pool. The pool doesn't give it get above 72 this year.
[01:14:29] The pool's 90 and it's not, oh God, we haven't helped it. You know, it's not even refreshing. No, it's not. And so we're in watching Dynasty Ridiculous Popcorn and some dynasty and I've got a couple friends who are in it, like, and so it's funny to see Brianna Brown, one of my friends, Brianna Brown in Dynasty and be the, you know, just be totally, you know, she's patch it crazy in that and I'm like, wow.
[01:14:54] Wow. That's funny. Yeah. That's. That's so cool. Yeah. Thank you so much, Elizabeth. I just said that, didn't I? Yeah. Brianna Brown had done it. Whatever. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah. That's awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here. This was really wonderful. I feel like I just, you know, had cup coffee with a friend and had a great therapy session.
[01:15:16] This was really great. The same. Thank you so much, Marcy, for having me on your show. It's been You're welcome. It's been really fun. I'm so glad.
[00:01:21] So we have a lot of conversation about that. Her previous book is Percolate. Let Your Best Self Filter Through and both of these books are on the Permission to Heal Bookshop on bookshop.org.
[00:01:33] The links are in the show notes.
[00:01:35] She also has a podcast, the Best Ever You Show, which is also linked to the podcast also linked to the show notes. And the Change Guidebook is the focus of that. She's a mom of four kids, adult children. We talk a lot about transitioning from being the mom of kids to being the mom of adults, which we are both in the phase of now, and how to go about adjusting and changing and focusing on the things that are important to us and how to figure all of that out. I hope you enjoy this episode. It felt like having coffee with a really good friend and a therapy session wrapped up into one. Let me know how you like it.
[00:02:17] Thanks so much.