Permission to Heal Episode #82 - A Conversation with Mary Kerwin about the Juggling Act of Parenting.

Permission to Heal Episode #82 - A Conversation with Mary Kerwin about the Juggling Act of Parenting.

Mary  Kerwin founded Confident Families to help parents become confident leaders for their kids to improve their quality of life for themselves and their families. She is committed to a higher quality of service and professionalism to nurture happy, confident, and successful children that are tomorrow's leaders.  Mary helps parents learn how to support their kids long-term. Combine my more than 40 years of classroom teaching experience, my training and experience as a certified coach, and her experience as a mother of four. You have someone uniquely qualified to help children sift through the noise and know their worth. We get to the root of the issues and develop the confidence and skills needed to overcome them.

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Transcript

A confident kid needs a confident parent and my bottom line is you are good parents, you know what's best for your kids. We just have to help you find that confidence in yourself. And then the world would be a better place. one family at a time. Yes. One day at a time, one day at a time. Yeah. One moment at a time sometimes. 

Hello everyone. And welcome to permission to heal. In today's episode, I have a conversation with Mary Kerwin discussing parenting and how to raise our kids. She is a parenting coach, a family coach. She has a company called confident kids. Mary is a mother of four. She's a dotting grandmother. A teacher turned coach with more than 40 years in education. 

[00:00:27] She is well versed in the latest trends, neuroscience and the psychology of parenting. Mary founded confident families, which has now become confident kids to help parents become confident leaders for their kids so they can improve the quality of life for themselves and their families. She is committed to a higher quality of service and professionalism to nurture happy C. 

[00:00:49] And successful children that will be tomorrow's leaders. Mary lives in New York city with her husband of 45 years and enjoys spending time with her grandson and just found out that her daughter is expecting another baby. So we had a conversation about defiant children and temper tantrums and homework managing homework and how to help parents build their parenting muscle and set up boundaries and teach their kids resilience and how to prepare for the school year coming up. If you're a parent or, you know, someone who is stay tuned, this is gonna be the episode you're not gonna wanna miss. And as always thank you for tuning in, and please, if you like the episode, please consider sharing with several of your friends and 

[00:01:40] thanks so much.

[00:00:00] Good afternoon, Mary. How are you today? I am very well. Good afternoon to you also. And good afternoon to everyone. Who's listening. If it's yes, yes. Good afternoon. In the air realm of the world morning. Good evening. Wherever you're listening, you know, whenever you're listening. Yeah, we're recording this and it's still summer vacation. Mary's a retired teacher. I'm still an in-service teacher. Just trying to enjoy the last few weeks of summer. So Mary. Has been, she was just telling me before we started, she's the mom of four and her, her, she has one grand grandchild. And another one on the way. 

[00:00:35] Congratulations. Thank you. That's doting grandma doting. Grandma would be an app description. Is there any other kind? I don't know. I dunno. I hope not. I did not think that would be it for me, but yes it is. So maybe not. You didn't think that would be it for you? I didn't think I would be so dotting. I didn't. 

[00:00:56] I had four kids of my own. I taught, the last, especially the last about 15 years of my teaching career was an early childhood with the little ones and I loved every minute of it. Right. So I thought that, you know, been here, done that, you know, I thought that I would not, not that I wouldn't love him to death, but that I wouldn't be the kind of firm I am. 

[00:01:17] It's hard, I think, to not be when your baby has a baby, you know? Oh yeah, it's true. That's amazing. So you are retired from teaching after more than 30 years in the classroom and are now a parenting coach? Yes. Ma'am ING children and parents, the whole family system. Why don't you tell us a little bit about you, where you came from, how you became a teacher, what your passion about that was or is wow. 

[00:01:47] So I guess I, once I never, I never, I never I always seem to once have been the teacher. I was, I was that little kid. I was the youngest of six. And I was the kid who, when. Older siblings cuz there's there was my brother and myself, my brother was 13 months older and then there was an 11 year span and there were four older SI kids in my family. 

[00:02:07] Wow. And uh, when they would come home from work with school, I would always sit them down and play teacher with them. I was the I, my, my family, like to say it's because I was bossy, but I liked to just say, I liked to impart my knowledge with on everyone else. And so in my mind I've always been a teacher, you know, it's always, it's always been a passion of mine. 

[00:02:23] Tried out a couple of other things, but they, they, they just didn't fill me that way. And so I, when I went through schooling, I went to get my educational degree and, and, and I graduated from hunter college in New York. Well, because I'm a dinosaur back then it was a minor in education and a major in English and language arts the whole time I had my ed courses for every hour of ed credits. 

[00:02:45] I had an hour in the classroom and I loved it. Wow. And I loved it. And what a great way to do it. Yeah, it was, it was, it was called a teaching tomorrow's teachers program. I don't think they still have it, but it was a great introduction into the, into the world of teaching. So many people think they wanna be teachers and go through all their curricula and get out and think that, oh my gosh, first time you're in a classroom is when you do your student teaching practicum and it, you finished your degree by then so far. 

[00:03:13] Yeah. You know, sometimes within the course of my regular duties, I volunteer to be a cooperating teacher for student teachers. And about half of them have decided. Not to be teachers. Oh yeah. You know, couple of them, it was their choice. They realized it wasn't the right fit. One of them just couldn't pass the certification exams. 

[00:03:36] She was really great with connecting students, but just didn't have the, I don't know what the word is I'm looking for. She didn't have the curriculum knowledge the English background to be able to answer the question she needed to. So that's true. Bad. That's a shame and, and all of this money and all this time on a four year degree teaching her to do this. 

[00:03:57] So yeah. Anyway. Yeah. That's not for, so, yeah. So anyway, that's yeah, so, so, so that's so, so, so teaching was my thing and, and I taught in, in, in a couple of different ways and grades, I, I started in early childhood. Well, I came into an parent cooperative early childhood program. At one point I taught third grade at one point I taught, Eh, two minutes in eighth grade. eighth. Grade's a hard year. It was not my, it was not my forte. Uh, but, I thought I was terrible, which was, which was why I didn't wanna do it again. But as it turned out, the kids who had me would come back to see me. So I guess I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was definitely not, but I was in school and teaching in, in, in, in what I call the, the, the prime part of education, you know, where our emphasis was on, on the whole child, you educated the whole child. 

[00:04:48] It wasn't. And as I went on, I saw it just leave that, you know, it became more and more that the, uh, emphasis was on the grade. Mm-hmm passing of the test because, you know, everything was assessed. The kids get assessed for everything. They do, the kids. The teachers get assessed for what the kids do. The school gets assessed for what the, the teachers do, and that's where the money goes. 

[00:05:07] Um, yeah, I think people who are not in education feel like it needs to be, we need to be, we need to assess how it's working and the only way they assess is numerically through, through some sort of grade and that's doesn't work well. They haven't assess a human being's development that way. They're not, they're not, they're not robots. 

[00:05:29] They're not more. And, and the assessment should be from where they are to how far they've come. Mm-hmm not on the end product. There's no, the end product is, you know, we're all works in progress. The end product is still going on, even for us. And, um, so anyway, so, so I, I spent a lot of time, uh, in early childhood, which became. 

[00:05:53] first, you know, kindergarten, first grade, second grade, they wanted everything done when they, when they were four mm-hmm , uh, because the study came out that, that their kids' brains were all formed by the time they're five. But that doesn't mean that you give them that means you give them the skills and the, and the readiness activities. 

[00:06:08] Not necessarily the curriculum. Um, yeah, they're not doing calculus of five . Yeah, but mom. Yeah. So I actually went to a meeting where one where the person who was, who was the speaker said, you know, we are for three and four year olds. We are preparing them for college. No, I'm not, I'm preparing them for the next step. 

[00:06:26] Not, you know, no, it's like, we're preparing them for kindergarten. You know, we're not, even though we're preparing, we're preparing them to get through the next three days. We're preparing them for a lot of things, but, um, right. And eventually this prepares them for college, but that's a giant leap instead of the baby steps, which is what we should be taking and not everyone's college bound. 

[00:06:44] But then again, and that's another that's, , that's a whole other story. Unfortunately, two teachers talking together, we can get into this room, but anyway, so, so I, I, I retired. I'll, I'll, I'll fast forward. I retired reluctantly and, um, kind of lost my identity. You know, I was a teacher for so long. I always wanted to be a teacher and I wasn't a teacher. 

[00:07:03] And, um, And so I was a certified health coach, which was, was lovely, but not filling my, my soul. Like I knew that there was something I was missing. So I started my company, which was called competent kids now mm-hmm . And, uh, I had my clients, which makes me laugh. My kids were, were, were, were those lacking in confidence, those that the kind of got beaten down and had no faith in themselves or what they can do. 

[00:07:32] Uh, and we would do use it. I would see them in person and use experiential activities that they like to build their confidence. And then COVID hit and there went that, right. Um, I don't feel right, doing it in, in online, you know, virtual experiences I experience. So anyway, what came out of it through the urging of the parents of the kids I used and, and some, some mentors that I had and, and a coach was that I moved to the parents and, and, uh, realized quickly again, that I really did this all the time. 

[00:08:03] This wasn't, this wasn't, it's just a little bit, a little shift in focus. Uh, and, um, and that, you know, a confident kid needs a confident parent and giving them, and, and my, my, my gut, my, my, my bottom line is you are good parents, you know, what's best for your kids. We just have to help you find that, that, that confidence in yourself. 

[00:08:24] And then the world will be a better place. One family at a time. Yes. One day at a time, one day at a time. Yeah. One moment at a time sometimes. Yeah. So, so you, I was doing some, some research through your website, um, and you had an interesting Fred Fredrick Douglas quote on the front of it. It said it is easier to build strong children. 

[00:08:46] Then, then repair broken men. I thought maybe you would reflect on that a bit that came, that came out of a discussion I had with one of the parents and, and, and, um, I think it's a, a misconceptions misconception sometimes, or there are all different ideas and different ways to do parents. But when you lack confidence in your wishy washy, in what you're doing with your kids, they feel like they don't, they don't have that sense of security. 

[00:09:14] And, and they're kind of in a boat floating without a course in the sea mm-hmm . And that was during, there was a really, there still is, but, and I'm not saying there's a for positive parent. Right where, um, you have to be kind, people feel, they have to be perfect all the time. They can't, you know, raise their voice to their kids. 

[00:09:37] They can't, they can't be short with their kids. They can't, they can't be human basically. Right. And when they do they're, they're ruining their kids for life. And my take is that sometimes you're, first of all, that's gonna happen. It's human. You know, it, it, it's not ideal, but it happens. It's human and it helps build a little bit of resiliency in your kids, your kids can't always, yes. 

[00:10:01] Can't always be the answer. No is not a bad word. Um, D gently pre preferably. But, um, but sometimes, you know, it, it, you, you, you lay a foundation to build resilience in them when they, when they can, they, they can not like, but accept things, not going their way sometimes, or try to, and try to figure out a way to either Wade through it or. 

[00:10:25] a way around it to make it go their way. You're building resilience and you're building a person who's ready for the world. It would be really nice if you know, this world was, were a wonderful place and nothing would ever happen to our children. And they would never be, um, see any kind of strife in their life, but that's really not, not the case. 

[00:10:46] And, and it's not practical and we may be moving toward it. I'm not so sure, but we may be, but it's not gonna happen in their childhood lifetime. You, you know, so we need to help them gain the resilience to overcome these barriers that are, that they're gonna be faced. and how do we do that? How do we teach them resilience? 

[00:11:10] It's how do we teach the parents to teach them resilience? Well, that's, that's the first thing they have to start with teaching the parents how to be resilient. Correct. Which is what I found out very quickly. So it's, it's think about, and, and, and a lot of it is, is, is reflection. We have, we have, our brains are, are, have, have neuroplasticity. 

[00:11:26] We, we can change our ideas. And, and once we accept that fact, cuz some people do not, um, we take baby steps to moving toward it. Um, and, and for each person it may be a little bit different because again, like with every, every kid, every situation, every parent, no two things are alike. Um, but there, there are, there are. 

[00:11:46] there are basic, basic cores that you could do to, to build resilience. You know, that, that, that, that, that no is not a bad thing, right. Necessarily. Uh, no. Yeah. And, and, and, um, losing your temper though, not ideal happens. It's a normal reaction. Sometimes, sometimes it's a normal reaction and, and, and, and not to beat yourself up about it, not to, you know, figure out, figure out your plan for what's gonna happen. 

[00:12:15] Like if you, everybody has boundaries and, and it's when you let people push against your boundaries, mm-hmm, because you haven't defined them for yourself, that you basically lose your temp or you're hungry, or you're tired, or you're overworked. I mean, there's a lot of, but, but, but some somewhere you're, you're breaking your boundaries. 

[00:12:31] So when you know your boundaries and you can stick to them, you'll be less likely to blow up. Like, if you know, you need 12 hours sleep, , you know, there it's all there. It's all there. So, so that would, that would, um, identifying and then having a plan of action and sticking to it, being consistent, sticking, being consistent with it as, as much as possible. 

[00:12:55] And again, forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Mm-hmm and, and not harping on a lot of times, you know, you, and, and, and you apologize to your kids for when you, when you, when you go off or when you, when you do something, but you, it doesn't have to be a harping on thing you it's like, oh, I'm so sorry. And, and then you feel guilty about it, and then you I'll never do that again. 

[00:13:14] But, you know, you will sure, because, because you're human because you're human. Uh, but you know, you know, I sh you know, it could be as simple as, um, I, you know, I screamed at you that that was not a good way to talk to you, you know, I'm gonna do better next time, or I'm gonna try to do better next time. I mean, you don't have I'm so sorry. 

[00:13:32] What, because you you'll get the, or, or what. The working, the working parent. Who's not with their kid long, a long time, and they feel guilty about not being with them. So, and they'll come home tired and they'll be short. And then they'll say, oh, I'm not, I'm not, I feel so bad feeling your kids don't need you to feel bad. 

[00:13:49] Your kids don't need you to your kid. Your kids need you to love them. Your kids need you to be, be human. Your kids need you to be the best you can be. Perfection is a myth or, or, or perfection is whatever you are. Uh, and that doesn't mean you can't tweak it. You can tweak it to it. If there's something you don't like about yourself, then identify what that is and, and, and take steps to change. 

[00:14:13] It makes sense. And your kids seeing you as a leader, a you'll feel better, you know, make yourself and your kids will, will, will emulate you more. They'll be, it'll be more of a, um, they'll, um, I just lost my train of thought. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. They'll, they'll emulate you as their leader. You know, if you're, if you're not kids need parameters, kids need, need structure in their life. 

[00:14:41] And, and each kid, depending on who they are, it's, it's it it's, uh, it's a rubber band. It's not, it's not a, it's not a cement fence, you know, it's not a cement block. So, so, so within those bounds, when they get, when they have too much freedom, it makes them nervous. It makes them anxious. Yeah. Uh, it makes them feel unsafe. 

[00:15:01] yeah, kids want, and if you to tell them want, they want you to define boundaries for them and teach them right from wrong and let them make some of their own decisions, but within, within a context with some direction, right? Yeah. The, the, the, um, sort of the, the, the methodology I have for, for, for confidence is that the four, the four pillars are accepting. 

[00:15:27] You have to be accepting of yourself, who you are, where you are. It doesn't mean that you can't better yourself or, or change things, but, but you have to be, you have to accept where, so you have to know where you are and your kids, you have to know where they are, and you have to accept them for who they are. 

[00:15:40] Mm-hmm , you know, they may not be scholars and you could push 'em to it. And, and they can perform for a while before they fall apart in a ball of anxiety or get nervous, but, or, or not. But, but some kids, you know, accept who they are, where they are then to build resilience for yourself. And them is, is to. 

[00:15:59] Think about how you react when things don't go your way. Um, uh, and a lot of this comes down to, I think our own childhoods, how we were raised and the models that we had for parenting and what we've learned along the way. So I think a lot of, I know a lot of my, my stuff, so to speak when my kids were little came from the way I was raised. 

[00:16:22] And when I saw that, that was sort of replaying itself, I, I took myself to therapy. I started reading books, you know, I, I cognitively was conscious about changing the pattern so that I wasn't doing the same thing because I didn't want the same result. Yeah. Correct. And, and it's not, it's. , it's not, you don't negate your past. 

[00:16:50] You don't forget about your past, but your past doesn't have to determine your past. Doesn't have to determine your future. And, and part of, you know, your core, your core values, you know, your core values are, are what should guide you. But sometimes we don't even know what our core values are. Cuz we're getting so much noise thrown at us from everybody that we think we should be this way or we think we should be that way. 

[00:17:09] And then your dreams, you know, let them dream, let you dream, you know, it's it's it's um, it's, it's what keeps hope alive and, and, and your dreams, you know, if you, you work toward them, they baby steps and they can be attained they're they're not. So, yeah. Do you think there's, there's an, um, a push or, um, a feeling in the last several years? 

[00:17:30] I don't know how you define several, uh, that, that parents feel like they're supposed to be their kid's friend. Do you see that a lot? Um, I see that a lot. I, I, I, I do. And, and it, it. Goes kind of back to what we were speaking about before that they, that they don't want their kids to be mad at them. And a lot of life is so busy that you want every moment with your children to be wonderful. 

[00:17:58] right. You know, impossible. You wanna be buddies, you wanna be. Um, but, but, but as we was saying, they need parameters. They need boundaries. They, and it's their job to push against them and fingers cross, I know this fingers cross, they will push against them so that they can fall back to them because it doesn't really, if it's just following orders, blindly, it doesn't work. 

[00:18:20] But if they can push and come back to it, they, they, they, uh, will do it. But yeah, it's, um, it's, it's, they need, they need you to be their parent. You could be their friends later in life it'll happen. But when. so confused and they're immature little minds, no matter how old their immature little minds are. 

[00:18:44] It's, it's really hard for them to navigate this world. They need, they need a, they need a rudder and you need to be their rudder. And if, you know, if you're their friend, they're friends, you know, my friends were the ones who took me away from, from this. Exactly. My friends were the ones who taught me the wrong things to do in some cases. 

[00:19:02] I know I tell the, the parents of my students, I teach 11th and 12th grade. And, uh, and I, I tell, I tell the parents, every parent teacher conference that we have, if your kids aren't mad at you, sometimes you're not doing it, right. Yeah. Used to say, if they say push against that, they haven't told you, they hate you because they need the, they need their, their push for independence. 

[00:19:25] And, and again, it doesn't matter if they're two or 12 or older, you know, it's the same thing. It's the same thing that they, they go through different stages. During their growth that they, that you need to hold them back when they need to push against, you know, you can't let two year olds run in the street. 

[00:19:43] It doesn't matter how, you know, it doesn't matter if you think that they could look both ways before the cars come two year olds. No, they're not gonna remember. They're not. Or, you know, or they're not gonna, they're not gonna, their judgment is not gonna be there. Mm-hmm um, yeah, the only time I ever hit either one of my children was a spanking when my son was three and ran across the street in front of a truck. 

[00:20:06] Yeah. And there was no way that he was gonna understand that until I just, my instinct was SWAT him on the ass and that's what I did. And he cried and it was a big thing, but he never ran in front of a truck again. yeah. I don't know if that was the right way to handle it, but, well, it was the right way for you at the time. 

[00:20:24] And that's what I mean, would you, would, would I, would I. would I applaud beating children? No. What you know, do I, do I think that would, it was a diapered tush, you know, um, but, but you know, it, it it's, it's, it's it's, we have to be less judgemental of each other. I mean, unless you see a child being abused and there's a, of course, very different, big difference between a SWOT and the button and being abused. 

[00:20:48] But, but yeah, I, we have, we, as, as parents, as society, it's not all or nothing. There's, there's a continuum there and we have to be, be be, um, supportive of others, even if they're doing things not our way. And what you see more often is is, is, um, you take 12 year olds, they, they play baseball, right? So you'll see this, they have the games and there'll be, they'll be piecing. 

[00:21:15] She never comes to his game. She's always just too busy for this child. She never comes to his games and she may be working, trying to make a living to, to, to feed her family, whatever right. Or, or, or whatever her reason is. and his games are really his games. They're not your games. Uh, and, and if he's only playing baseball for you, then maybe you should think twice about him playing, you know, he, he doesn't sure if he's just playing up for the love of the game, then he doesn't need you there because he's, he loves the game. 

[00:21:40] If he's playing it to please you, then there's another, that, that's another, that's another issue. Yeah. But then you go little, couple, couple rows down. You'll see these, these group of parents saying, oh, she's always at the game. She doesn't let that kid breathe. She, she, she follows his every move, you know, it, it's, they're just two different ways of doing things and it's not what you're doing. 

[00:21:59] It's why you're doing it. You know, it's it's uh, and, and be supportive of each. yeah, there are too much squabbling or too much judgment behind other people's backs and yeah. Ugh. My theory is that. And even, even when I was teaching, when you are standing there and you need, you see something and you feel the need to put another person down for whatever reason, it's because that's some, that's your insecurity. 

[00:22:24] That's all about you. Yeah. There's a trigger there for your own life. It's not about them. So maybe take a breath and figure out why you feel this way. Mm-hmm and you might, you might, you know, discover something about yourself that you didn't know, or you didn't wanna know and, and you could fix it move forward. 

[00:22:44] That's really good advice. That's really good advice, cuz yeah, I could see that simple, but very hard yeah. Well sure. Cuz it's hard to turn the mirror on ourselves. Yeah. And then that's what, this is something. That we might be doing wrong. Yeah. Or, or not growth in. Yeah. Or that, that it's not settling right with us, you know, may be right for somebody else and, and you're doing it and you're doing it, but you just don't feel, you know, maybe you don't wanna be at that game because you have something else to do, but don't wanna be seen as that. 

[00:23:18] See, I used to go to all my kids' games, my son's baseball games, my daughter's softball games. I was a single mom and I would go and stay. But the only time I would actually pay attention was then they were up at bat or they were actually on the field. Otherwise I really, I just don't like sports and I could care less, you know, I would bring papers to grade and I would look up when they were at bat or when someone was pitching or, you know, whatever. 

[00:23:44] And yeah. I mean, sometimes your kids want you there. Yeah, it was it's it's, it's the thing I, I did not funny enough, did not like cuz I'm a New York city mom. So I did not like. Being in the park. Right. Um, like the park moms, but, but it was okay because I worked, you know, I, I was a teacher and then, and then I had a part-time job after that. 

[00:24:02] And, um, so it was kind of okay. That I wasn't always in the parks. I was there. I had a little bit of a crew that I, I, I hung out with when I was there and it was, it was good with my grandson. I'm in the park all the time. I just, I just, I just in the park all the time. It, uh, well, it's different. You're retired now you have a little more time. 

[00:24:21] Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I didn't like the park because of that, that, that, that judgey judgey, judgey all the time. When my daughter started running track in, in middle school. And then in high school, I, I, when she first got on the track team in like seventh grade, I went to a few of the track meets and those suckers are long. 

[00:24:40] Yeah, they are. You could hours and hours and hours. And her own performance was five minutes. And I'm sitting there for three hours unless she was really fast, then it was even less. And then right then it was even less. And then by the time she got to high school, she said, mom, the, the parents don't go to track meets, still embarrass me. 

[00:24:58] Don't come. I'm like, all right, I have better things to do with the three hours. If you don't want me there. And then I'd see on Facebook that there were moms and dads at the meets. I'm like, why don't you want me there? And she's like, cuz I know you have way more important things to do than to sit there and just watch me for two minutes and sit there for three hours. 

[00:25:16] She said, I'll just tell you about it when I get home. Yeah. I, I mean, That's I applaud that. That was awesome. She, she, yeah, that she, she took you into consideration, but that, you know, that is, that is some, someone who's looking, not just into herself. Yeah. You know, when we raise our kids to be too, self-absorbed selfish, it it's, it becomes that's where, you know, resilience will break down because, because they don't have any, because everything has gotta be about them. 

[00:25:42] I mean, the, the, the hard part is figuring out when to let go and when to pull in mm-hmm . Um, but again, if you listen to your gut, you know, that it becomes a little bit easier. You don't have to second guess every decision now, is there a difference between a tantrum that a three year old might have and a tantrum that a 13 year old might have? 

[00:26:09] My feeling is no, no. Okay. My feeling is no, it's it's. I mean, I know we break things into age cuz, but, but basically. They're tired or they're hungry or they're overwhelmed with something and they, and it may be, and you know, the triggers can be small depending on how tired, how hungry, how overwhelmed or how out of sorts they are. 

[00:26:35] Um, and it's them not being able to handle their emotions. Basically. They, they it's it's, it's, it's, it's an immaturity. They don't know what else to do. So I mean, adults have tantrums sometimes, you know, it's of course, yes. Um, we call them throwing fits in my house, but uh but it's, it's, it's, it's this, there's a there's there, there there's a struggle. 

[00:26:59] And, and they, they, they didn't do something that they needed to do, you know, for themselves, not, not, not externally and, and they're having a hard time or, or it's just that they, they, they're having a hard time hormones, you know, they're having a hard time regulating themselves. And, and if, if what I think is if, if you give them. 

[00:27:19] The, um, emotional development skills they need as they get younger. Not that they won't ever happen because they're gonna happen anyway, because they're going through a lot hormone's changing and this change, you know, but they'll, it's not gonna be a constant thing. You, you know, sometimes, sometimes you have a, a, um, you're having, you're having a hard time. 

[00:27:42] Let's say they're having a hard time. um, and, and you can distract, or you can talk them out of it or they can talk to you. But sometimes when they're in the throws of it, you can't, it's like a car going through a tunnel. You have to get to the other side to get out of it. They have to finish it. And sometimes it's an embarrassing places. 

[00:28:00] Uh, the kid throwing themselves on the floor in the supermarket or Walmart, or, um, you're teenager breaking down in front of, uh, his friends. you know, and, and, and they just have to go through it. It's not, it seems it it's not disrespectful it, you know, it, it doesn't have anything it's completely disregulated. 

[00:28:21] They don't, yeah. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It's just about them. So what do the parents do? Should the parents try to intervene? Should the parent just let the whole thing happen until the kid exhausts themselves? What, what do you, what's the appropriate thing to do? Well, well, the appropriate thing is, is it depends on each case, right? 

[00:28:41] Because nothing. So if you're sitting there and if you start to talk to the, talk to them, if you say, do you wanna, and you you're getting the escalation of it instead of it's. So you can't talk to them. So don't, don't try you can't, you can't be rational with an irrational person, you know? No that that's not gonna work. 

[00:28:57] And, and, um, if they're in a safe place, I would, I, you know, I, with the little ones, I sit that big one second. I, I, I kind of backed off a little bit, but with the little ones I sit there through, through, you know, I'll sit next to them and I'll say, I'm here for you. And, you know, let me know when you need me. 

[00:29:14] And, um, you know, they do the thing of coming to you then going away and coming to you and then going away, cuz they don't know what they want. And then they come over to you when they're finished with the older kids, you know, you can do the same thing and they might say, I don't wanna see your face and then you can say, okay, I'll be in the living room. 

[00:29:27] If you need me or I'll be in the, in, in the. and then maybe and, and I sometimes made the mistake and, and then maybe you wanna get something to eat, but that's not what they wanna hear. Right. Then cause then it has nothing to do with that. um, or whatever you think it might be, but yeah, but be there for them. 

[00:29:45] It's it's um, non-judgmentally, um, pull your separate yourself from it because the more you become attached to it, the more you become involved, the more you'll be, um, feeding into it and feeling bad about yourself too. You know, it's not a it's. Yeah. You know, it's not, it's not, you it's, it doesn't have any. 

[00:30:06] And, and, um, when it seems particularly in this happens more with older kids, for me, for me, it did anyway, you know, when it seems particularly particularly disrespectful and they, you know, they, they have mouths and they, you know, walk away, you know, I'm, I, you know, I'll be in my bedroom. If you need me, I'll be over there. 

[00:30:25] If you need me. Um, I, I can't. Let you talk to me this way though. I understand. You're I, I understand you're upset. I can't let you talk to me this way or something to that effect. You know, it's just not a right. Uh, I, I don't believe in letting people abuse me either, but, um, they mean, you know, if they need to go through it, they need to go through it. 

[00:30:41] Nothing you're gonna do is say is gonna make it better. It's gonna, it's gonna happen in its own time. so I know what, you know, it's hard. I'm just like, I'm thinking of all of the, the issues that my stepdaughter is having with her, her kids, her oldest is now going into high school and has had a lot of like oppositional defiant issues and lying and, um, like misbehaving in ways that he, we really think he knows better. 

[00:31:15] He just does it anyway. Yeah. And we don't, she doesn't know, I have no advice for her. he may know better. He may know better, but not in that moment. His, his, his, his emotions are overcoming him and, and, and, and, um, opposition. And again, it's, it's, it's. we love them, but we can't be invested in that behavior. 

[00:31:37] Mm-hmm , that's what you need to pull yourself away from it. He ne he needs, if he needs to go through that, if he's safe and he is not harm harming himself or anybody else, you know, maybe he could have a safe space to, to, to do that in, um, some kids, you know, quiet spaces work, just, just either a, a corner of a room. 

[00:31:55] I have, I moved that the way for that. I have a big, um, floor pillow, you know, big floor pillow. And, um, it's it, it was a good place for them to go. And they wanted to be, you know, when they went into and they were on that, nobody went into the room, everybody left them alone. They needed to be there. Mm-hmm um, if you think they're gonna hurt each other themselves or somebody else, the door has to stay open. 

[00:32:19] Um, if, if, if that's a, if that's, but other than that, nobody bothers them and they come out to you when you're ready, you know? But the, the, the key is, is that I am here for you when you're ready. You know, I am here for you when you're ready. I'm gonna give you a space when you're. You know, that, that, that, that, that gives them a little bit of, um, ownership over it. 

[00:32:40] You know, that they, that you're not, you're not trying to get them out of it. You're not trying to make them do something they don't wanna do. Uh, you're there for them when they need you, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's a hard, it's hard to go through. It's a hard thing to, to, to, because you know, you wanna help them number one, or you're angry with them, you know, or both, uh, right. 

[00:33:01] But yeah, but giving them more ownership of it is, is, is so they don't feel like they're being manipulated. Cause a lot of times kids feel, you know, and, and a little bit, we are trying to manipulate them. We don't wanna, we don't wanna be in this situation. Um, and yeah, you could always, if they're, if they're of the mindset, you could talk about what happened, you know, uh, if they thought, if, what they thought. 

[00:33:28] it was, you know, of course it was something you said or did usually of course the parent's always wrong. Yeah. But underlying that you think maybe if you were got more sleep or do you think, but it has to be when they're in a calm, rational state, because again, yeah. Otherwise you're not you're reasoning with a chimpanzee. 

[00:33:44] That's not gonna happen. I say like might little wonky or something. You might as well bang head against the wall because it'll feel you get the same result. Now. What about kids who like siblings who are always at each other's throats, they're always fighting and they're, they never get along. How do you, how do you deal with that? 

[00:34:02] Yeah. Duh it's well, again, that's that down. Mary, you can get all my questions, Mary you've been in my house. Um, it depends that that I think also ebbs and flows and, and, um, and it's, it's, it's sometimes their battle and you have to stay, you have to stay completely out of it. Um, . I mean, it's their relationship. 

[00:34:29] They have to decide whether they want a relationship or don't want a relationship. And yeah. That doesn't needs to do with the parent, but it, you have to keep them from hurting each other and they do have to live together while they're both still minors. Right. So, yeah, I mean, there, there are certain there's certain rules you can set up to kind of go out the window when you're not home. 

[00:34:47] Mm-hmm . Um, and, and again, sometimes it's it's, but sometimes they need to argue and fight, you know, you don't wanna hear it. Um, sometimes when my kids do it, I would put two chairs opposite each other. And when I would and say, okay, you work it out and don't get up until you tell me to have the solution. 

[00:35:08] They hated that. And, and they would come. That's interesting. Yeah, they would come to me and say, he said you no, no, no, no, no. All your, all your statements to me had to start with. . Yeah, that was something I, I, it's something I learned and I did a, a conflict resolution class. So all their statements when they're, when they're having a problem, the statements start. 

[00:35:26] If they want you to be involved, it starts with, I, I want have to tell them. Right. And it has to tell, they have to tell you what they, what their part in. It was not. He said, did that, he did this. No, no, no. I, blah, blah, blah. I went to the kitchen. I went to get a drink of water. I did this, I did that. Mm-hmm and the same thing with the other one. 

[00:35:48] And, and they have to, they have to, which is the hard thing. They have to keep their mouth shut from the other ones talking because they have to give them their due respect. They, they don't, they didn't like it so much that they prefer the, the, um, the chairs and ending the conflict and ending the conflict before I got involved, they mostly didn't want, and, and mostly it's hard to, you know, you can't resolve things between two people. 

[00:36:09] They have to resolve them between themselves. You can mediate it, but they, we can't. But that's it right? You can't force them to apologize. That's not gonna be meaningful. No, I that's a pet peeve of mine telling a kid to say, they're sorry. Even when I was in, in school, I was, you know, there's a, I'm sorry. 

[00:36:26] No, sorry. Means is more than just a word. Sorry. Is a feeling, you know, cuz you see the little, especially when they're three and four, you know, they push somebody and say I'm I said, I'm sorry. no, no, no. That's not it. No that doesn't absolve you of the whole thing. No, no, no. You know, if you wanna say something you say, you know, they're hurt. 

[00:36:40] You wanna say something to them. You wanna tell them you didn't mean it. You wanna tell them? You'll try not to do it again. You wanna tell, see if they're okay. You wanna say there's a lot of things you could say, but telling somebody, telling somebody to say you're sorry is meaningless. I agree. I agree. I know you wanna say something when your kid does something. 

[00:37:01] I know you want your kid to do something to a tone for it, but that's, you know, there's a lot of different ways to do that too. Right, but, but your way of saying, do you wanna take care of that kid? Do you wanna find if the kid is okay, do you wanna, you know, all of those things are teaching them how to be empath, empathic, empathetic, teaching them how to think outside themselves and for the consequences of their actions, not necessarily a forced fake remorse that they didn't actually feel. 

[00:37:30] Yeah. And last, even when they do those things, that doesn't have to be remorse. I mean, it just that they have to have some empathy for another human being, you know, are you okay? Did I hit you too hard. I dunno. 

[00:37:47] I mean, you get some interesting statements, but, but you know, at least it comes from them and not from somebody telling them what to do. Sure, sure. It just reminded me of a, a memory that I hadn't thought of in a very, very long time when my son was, he was always tall, thin, but tall. And when he was like eight years old, he had been on like the little league team for baseball, but the coach also coached the town football league team for the kids that age. 

[00:38:16] And so they recruited my son to play football and he was really excited and it was the first practice and the coach said, okay, now you're gonna run to the other side of that field. And you're gonna tackle the kid who has the ball. And my son was like, what do you mean tackle? And the coach is like, push him down so that he can't run with the ball. 

[00:38:36] And. So my son's running and he's looking at me sitting on the sideline. He's like, am I doing this right? And I'm shrugging, cuz I don't play football. And, and the coach is like, come on, knock him down, knock him down. And, and my son was like, you want me to do what? Huh? So he pushed the kid down and the coach was like, yeah, I knew you could do it. 

[00:38:57] And the little boy started to cry. Oh. And, and my son instead. Continuing down the field to knock someone else down or whatever the heck he was supposed to do, he stopped to and helped the kid to help the kid. And, and he like picked him up and, you know, helped him dust off his pants. And, you know, like he wanted to make sure he was okay. 

[00:39:18] And the coach was like, you're not supposed to do that. And he Mitchell, he ran off the field and he took his pads off and it was like a movie moment. Kinda like threw them on the ground. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Forget it. No sweet. No, it's I can't, he was just, you're always telling me to use my words and not my hands and to not touch other people. 

[00:39:37] And now you're telling me to knock them down, even if they cry, it, it just didn't. It was so it was too much of a conflict and it, it wasn't meant to be a player . He couldn't do it. He was couldn't do it. That's very, that's very sweet. The coach was like all mad and I'm like, uh, what can I tell you? He may be the tallest kid, but he's also sensitive. 

[00:39:59] So, you know, I'd rather have that. Yeah. Did the empathy for how old was he? Eight. Oh, please. Yeah. I don't know that. That's it that's my memory is that he was eight. Could have been seven, could have been nine, but I remember eight. Nice, funny, funny, funny. That's a very sweet story. Did you ever tell it. yeah. 

[00:40:20] Yeah. He remembers, he remembers he was upset when the kid fell and, or he pushed the kid, the kid didn't fall. And, uh, you know, that contract, you know, you're all playing football. You expect to be knocked down or pushed over or whatever, but these were all like brand new players, you know, they have no idea what to expect. 

[00:40:39] And it's like, it's like little league where they're. Cockroach is running it this way and then, or mods, you know, like going to like clinic them Mo yeah, that was funny. I guess my New York city's coming out. 

[00:40:57] okay. So let's talk about like homework, um, that after school torture Fest that, um, all the parents and the Stu those teachers and the students all come, come take part in. So where do you suggest? I mean, I know what I did with my own kids, but as a, as. Parenting coach who helps parents and students and kid, whatever make, make things better. 

[00:41:22] What do you, what do you suggest about homework structure or how to run the afterschool times? So that things the have tos get done with that with the minimum of tears? So, um, I had four kids. My kids were very, as old kids, they were different. So with my, my one son, I knew that he had to come home and do homework and then go do everything else or else it was never getting done. 

[00:41:50] Mm-hmm um, with my other kids, they, one of them did it before dinner. One of them did it after dinner, you know, it depends on what works for your schedule and them. Um, I have a, I had, I had a very, um, , which people yelled at me for. Um, that homework was their responsibility, not mine. They had a set up place where they could do. 

[00:42:14] and they had their time, their set time when they could do it. And sometimes it was two of them together and sometimes it was three and sometimes it was one, um, never four there's too much of a spin. Okay. Um, but , but I just thought about that, but, but it was their responsibility and it wasn't mine, you know? 

[00:42:35] Right. And that thing, where can you check my homework? You know, if you ask me if they, if I could prove something they wrote, it was one thing, but can I check their homework was not if I checked it, my, and this is, this is where I had a little, even in faculty meetings, if they're not getting something and I corrected for them, then the teacher doesn't know, they don't understand. 

[00:42:56] The teacher doesn't know. They don't understand exactly. So it was their work to do. If they asked for my help, I would help them. You know, when, when sometimes after they finish, they say, or I would check them over, you know, and I would sometimes say, you know, this, this and this, this, this, and this is not, is. 

[00:43:13] Is that making sense or you want, you might, or you might wanna look at this, this and this. Right. And my second son always says, I might not cause I'm just gonna let it go. I'm gonna let it go. Um, and, and, and that's, that's how I ha really that it's, it's, there's, there's an optimum time for them. I don't know what thatum that opposite time is and it, and it, it, it, doesn't always, it's not always, uh, set in stone because some days, you know, when a nice weather gets there, it's, it's really, you know, it becomes, becomes a little bit more difficult, but, but it was their responsibility. 

[00:43:46] They had a place set up to do it, and it was their responsibility to do it. I would check it for them. I would help them if they needed help. I wouldn't do it for them. Of course not. Um, yeah, of course not used to teacher would do that. um, uh, um, well, alright. Most, most teachers wouldn't, but yes, something, you know, when the grades become very important, parents do strange things, even if their teachers yeah. 

[00:44:12] But, yeah, so that was it. And, and, and I would get the note back. He didn't do his homework. Well, you know, 

[00:44:21] you know, his responsibility, it's his responsibility. And, and, and I don't know what, what were there consequences at home when he didn't do his homework for school? Well, mostly he had to do it the next day. I don't know. I don't understand. They're not doing your homework. Um, I know when my son, one of my sons was in high school, I would, he would leave, would leave before me. 

[00:44:39] He's so stupid. I would go to work. I would walk to work and I, no, he was just, was not, he was, he was actually very bright, but, and I would walk past him sitting on. He didn't think I said sitting on one of the steps, the stoops in New York, finishing his homework and then going to. why didn't he just do it at home? 

[00:44:57] Why on the step, on the way to, because there was probably something he wanted to do during, I don't know. No, he just, he was, he was, he was, uh, he was, he, he pushed the envelope a lot. Um, he, he grew up to be a very, very kind compassionate, uh, contributing member of society. So that's awesome. Sometimes you have to give them a little bit of rope. 

[00:45:17] Sometimes they take that rope and wrap it around yours or their next. Yeah. But you know, if, if he, if, if there was work he had to do, there were things he lost your in the next day, you know, there was not, there was that the work had to get done. Sure. Um, if you work it out with the teacher and their understanding of, you know, especially, um, that you're not home after school, maybe not necessarily, or maybe that you're working and they're outta school at three and you don't get home until six, even if you're a teacher, right. 

[00:45:44] You let's face it. It's not the same schedule. Uh, but workout, workout together. What the consequences should be, uh, kind of, if you're on the same page, it works. Much better right than when you're not just, you know, I don't know. That's homework, that's your responsibility. Just doesn't you and mind were very little, you know, like elementary school age they'd come home from school. 

[00:46:04] And I was a high school teacher, so I was home before they were home. Um, we would sit at the dining room table, all three of us and my daughter and my son and I, and I would be grading or lesson plans or whatever the heck teacher, so always had stuff to do. And they would be doing their homework and it was all like parallel play kind of thing. 

[00:46:23] Yeah. And if they had a question, they'd ask each other or they'd ask me. And I, it was always like have tos before want tos. Yes. We wanna go out and play. We wanna do these other things, but we have to do homework first and get it right way. Right. I'm just one of these kind of people who I, I need to know that my have twos are done or I can't enjoy my playtime, cuz I, I feel like I have this thing hanging over my head. 

[00:46:44] Uh, and it was my second child was not like that. Well, it was a very regimented sort of thing. Yeah. You know, we had our snack and we played a little bit and sometimes there was music on and, and there, it was playful. It wasn't like, you know, we weren't like, um, you know, robots or anything. Yeah. And, uh, and it, I think it gave them enough structure so that once they were a little older and maybe there was an afterschool club, or there was a sports thing going on and, you know, those times all shifted and changed almost on a weekly basis. 

[00:47:18] Then they had. Enough history where the have tos before the want tos became the habit. And, well, my kids were younger, younger, even in graduate school. My son was still doing it that way, you know? Yeah. So when they were younger, they did it for that. That was the first thing that we got out of the way was homework. 

[00:47:35] Whenever, you know, when we get home, it'd be homework. Yeah. Then usually bath and dinner. But yeah, but the, it may not have been right after school, but as soon as we got home, that's what that's, that's how it worked. When I did, when I, when I was in the afterschool program we had, um, the first must have been the first hour, it was for homework and then they can go, there was two rooms and then they could do do other things. 

[00:48:00] But you know, some of the, some kids don't finish in an hour and the parents would be saying, I want them finished. I'm a working parent. You know, they can't be in school for, and then there was no break, eight hours, eight hours go to go to after school and go straight, be in school, you know, an hour is more than enough. 

[00:48:16] They would have snack first and then do homework. But yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. You don't understand. I'm a working parent. I said, guess what? Me too. I am too. Right. And they said, they said, but my kids are younger. I said, yeah, cuz my kids were born 19. Like, oh, come on. nice. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. 

[00:48:35] You know, you know, it's a, it's a trade up. You, um, you can't abdicate, you know, your responsibility as a parent to others because you work or because you do this or because you have to, it, it, it, it's, it's a balance of, of, um, I like to see it as a wheel or a pizza, you know, mm-hmm, , there's a time there's a, there's a smaller, bigger slice for everything. 

[00:48:59] exactly. Um, so all over the country in different phases, uh, different states start at different times than others. I know in New York, we still have almost a month left before school goes back, but I know a friend of mine in Idaho goes back next week. Um, what do you have any advice, any wisdom to impart to parents and kids as they are. 

[00:49:24] Maybe even teachers, as they are planning to begin another, I can't believe 22, 23 school year. Yikes. Yeah. Um, if you were totally off schedule, um, which most of us, especially if your teachers I think happen in the summer to, to start to gradually move back to a schedule. So it's not so beastly getting up in the morning and I can't stress a morning routine a morning routine is, is, is a lifesaver for anyone. 

[00:49:52] Who's not even a teacher, if you're working out of the house or even if you're not to get the kids up and out is out of the house on time is to have, um, my, my, my, um, my other thing was there was no screens in the morning. No, no TV, no, no screens, because that just pulls away time from everything. Sure. So, uh, that, yeah, just, just, and whatever, whatever suits you, we always got our clothes out the night before. 

[00:50:20] So we didn't have that battle. They got to pick what they, well, they wore uniforms, but when they didn't wear uniforms, they got to pick what they wanted. And, um, that's what they wore were, were sometimes they're shorts in winter. My son, yes. There are so many boys in the high school where I teach were even in the dead of a New York, winter. 

[00:50:42] They're wearing shorts. It's I don't know they should be wearing a coat or several layers on top, but their legs don't get cold. I don't know. That's, it's a thing. It was a thing it's I think we're moving a little bit away from that, but I'm not so sure. Um, but yeah, but they chose their, they chose what they were gonna wear. 

[00:50:56] It was out in the morning and ready to wear, so they got up and, and then they had to make the. Okay. I'm a beast. I mean, I think that when you start and, and I, and especially for the little ones, if you make it, if you tuck everything under on the bottom really tightly, and they're not too, um, they're not too restless when they sleep, they have to get really down to the bottom of the bed to be restless. 

[00:51:16] Um, they could just pull up the covers and, and, and I didn't judge how they made the bed as long as the covers were up. And the pillows were, yeah, I think it's, it's a little, even if it's a little something seemingly meaningless, it is an accomplishment. It's, it's, it's a win that today, right. It's a win for the day. 

[00:51:31] And then they have their clothes and they got dressed. Um, I sometimes they would help each other. Sometimes I would help them. And then, and then breakfast, breakfast was big in my house. You gotta feed that brain, gotta feed that brain. Um, I packed, mostly packed lunches the night before when I didn't forget. 

[00:51:50] Um, and that was ready to go. Okay. They were particular about, they didn't, most of them didn't, they didn't like the school lunches. So. I I, so, so they got lunch. Oh, sometimes they pack their own lunches the night before if they had something in mind. Yeah. Once they get old enough, the, the more, or if they complained about what I gave them, then they packed their own lunches. 

[00:52:13] Yeah. It's it's like laundry. They did their own lunch. Once they start complaining that I didn't wash something, they did their own laundry. Yeah. Once they, they are able to do the task. Yeah. Laundry when they were about nine or 10 years old started being their own thing. And my, my, my youngest son was six, I think. 

[00:52:31] And at one point I went home and my two oldest one said, you didn't wash. They were doing something. And I could, you didn't wash Justin. And I went, that's it. I'm not washing your clothes anymore. Everybody does their own laundry. And we always said, but I'm only six. I said, that's all right. It's pressing buttons. 

[00:52:43] You could do it. you could do it tape. We'll put tape over the ones that you, you have to push. Right. In case you can't read them. Yeah. That was it. They did their own. And, and, and they, and they always, um, not all of them, but, but at any given would, would wanna help me cook. So they had an idea of, of working around the kitchen. 

[00:53:03] So my, I have a little galley kitchen. It's not, I'm not talking about the kitchen sure, sure, sure, sure. So that's it. Now they had, they had, uh, responsibilities in the house making their beds was each of them, uh, clearing their table, clearing themselves from the table was another one. Uh, they, you know, they, they knew I was working. 

[00:53:22] They were responsible for things and, and I never gave anybody the test of dusting because I hate to dust. And, um, I had to do it as a kid. So not, not nobody has to do it. I have to do it too, unless they like to, yeah. They have little job get chores to do, like they had to do sure. I don't call them. Chores has a negative connotation to me. 

[00:53:44] Chores is a drudgery. So they had responsibilities or tasks to do in the house. Um, okay. That's a good idea. I mean, it doesn't have that connotation for everybody, but it has it for me. So. it does for me too, actually, I hadn't actually thought about it. So we, we all need to work together to make this house run. 

[00:54:02] Hmm. Do you believe in, like in, in organizing it, like with charts and things, or do you just, that would be wonderful. I am just not that organized that would be a job for maybe my daughter. She's very organized like that. And me, I was just like, you know, I remember when my brother and I were younger, we had, we had dish duty, we had to wash dishes. 

[00:54:26] We didn't have a dishwasher in our, and, and, and we they'd sticker our charts or the calendar. We would just had the calendar sticker for who, who did the charts. And I would always take mine off and put it someplace else. So it's uh, yeah, but it just, it just, uh, I once decided that they were gonna have when they were a little bit old, not, not just a little bit older, I guess they weren't all in high school yet, but I guess at least one or two of them were that I was not gonna. 

[00:54:52] that they were gonna be, be responsible for one day's dinner, one night's dinner that I would, they tell me what they want. I would go out and I would shop and, uh, they would make it. And, and my, my oldest son is actually a very good cook. He always liked cooking. He always helped me out. Uh, and the other two did the, the two younger ones did. 

[00:55:08] Okay. The, the, the second sentence we came and, and everything, I can't remember what he made, but everything was white. And I have white plates and everybody looked at them and said, it looks like prison falls 

[00:55:22] I'll. And they were all saying, I'll take up his day. I'll take up his day. Don't make us eat. That don't make him it wasn't bed. It was just. colorless. Everything was colorless. It was just how, what did he even make? That was all, it must have been, it must have been a chicken breast that was just, you know, poached or boiled pasta with butter. 

[00:55:44] I don't know. Or rice, maybe. I don't know. That's funny. He was white and there was Nove. Oh, maybe he had a salad, but the vegetable wasn't on the plate. I don't know. Cause I that's funny. It's all. Please, please. Prison food. They called it. They called it prison food. Nice. good. As if they knew well, let's not go there. 

[00:56:08] let's not go there. Wow. Yeah, no. I remember in eighth grade my son was taking, um, Mack. And they did a cooking thing. And so he came home and he said, I wanna make quesadillas buy all this stuff. So I bought all this stuff and he made these delicious quesadillas, but the only wanted to do it the one time. 

[00:56:27] yeah, but now he he's amazing cook 24. I, I had downloaded all of my recipes and he, he just, he watches cooking channels shows and he makes pasta from scratch and he does all he's amazing. Yeah. My oldest son, so she he's with my Mo my mother-in-law who's Italian. Um, and he, they do all sorts of things and he does them and he now she's, she'll be 90. 

[00:56:56] She'll be 90 August 10th. Makes sure that's wonderful. Uh, and he, he, he does it now for her too. Yeah. that's awesome. Yeah. Eddie, my second sentence still doesn't cook. I'll eat it. You cook it. I'll eat it. he can make for everyone, he can make steak. He can make steak. He can make, you know, he can fry up things and he can make, uh, steak, eggs maybe. 

[00:57:20] And, but will he clean if someone else had cooked? No, not so much. Not so much. I, when he was here. Yes. When he is in his own apartment, I've seen it. No, 

[00:57:34] he's getting better. The bachelor wash, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Okay. Um, well we, before we conclude each of the episodes and permission to heal, I have seven questions for my guests. Are you ready? Oh gosh. Oh, I hope so. They're all about you, Mary. So easy peasy. Um, what, what six words would you use to describe yourself? 

[00:57:57] Um, tenacious. Mm-hmm caring. Um, 

[00:58:07] oh, I sat there. Um, I had to write down 

[00:58:13] um, memory of course is not one of them. Um, giving thankful. How many was that? Four blessed, uh, Mom. Good. There's six grandma. Seven mom, grandma. That's fine. Cut out. Cut out. Oh, teacher too. You can cut out. There you go. You're allowed to have, it's fine. What's your favorite way to spend a day? It depends on the day, but my favorite way would be at a beach with a book in my hand. 

[00:58:50] Oh, that's nice. And maybe, you know, if they had a cabana boy, a cocktail, nice. That's that was how we spent our entire honeymoon five years ago when my husband and I got married, we went to Aruba and we sat under those grass PAASS for lean entire day and just read it was heaven. That sounds nice. It was heaven. 

[00:59:12] Um, what is your favorite childhood memory? Um, There's so many, there's so many, I think I'm gonna pick out one that's me corral, corralling my, my, my older siblings to sit down on the couch so I could teach them what I learned that day. right, right, right, right. We talked about this before. That's cool. Yeah. 

[00:59:35] I played teacher and I played house a lot as a kid when I was pretending with my friends. And, and although I wound up being a teacher and loving it, this will be my 28th year. I wasn't something I ever thought that I wanted to do. I did all these other things first. This was like the seventh choice. I just, yeah, I tried, I mean, this is what I always wanted and I tried other things, but, um, this, this is, this is it? 

[01:00:00] Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Um, what's your favorite meal? Um, besides the old white dish, your no, that would not be my favorite. It depends on the season. I really like. Fresh seasonal food. Um, a fish dish. If you give me, um, a sea bass with a, a nice, beautiful salad and, uh, whatever seasonal vegetables around that, I would like that prepared. 

[01:00:24] Well. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds lovely. Um, what one piece of advice would you like to give your younger self? Um, go for it. Don't hold back, whatever it is. Nice. No one to stop you, but yourself, no one. What is one thing you would most like to change about the world? 

[01:00:50] Well, I, I feel like I, I'm taking a little bit of a part in doing it now, by making it a, uh, uh, better is a, is a term, uh, kinder, more empathetic place to be. And I think by working with parents and kids, that's gonna one at a time when, you know, Help. Beautiful. We need stronger. We need strong, confident leaders. 

[01:01:13] And when you're strong and confident you have everybody's welfare in mind, not just your own yeah. Or your own or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Or your wallets. Yeah, absolutely. um, I'm gonna add another question just for you. So we're gonna have . I is there. Well, that would just be a yes or no. So what I could elaborate. 

[01:01:40] Okay. I'll give you a yes or no, because, okay. Is there any, um, parenting, um, examples from your own parents, the way they raised their children, including you and whatever siblings you have that you have incorporated into your own life or your own motherhood? Okay. That's an absolutely, that's an absolutely. 

[01:02:08] Um, my mother died before I was 10. Oh, sorry. But what I have with confidence and, and what I, what I am trying or what I am attempting or what I am actually doing with some of the people that I am working with is instilling in them. The confidence that my mother instilled in me. Before, before she died, um, she, she knew she was dying. 

[01:02:38] She had cancer. I didn't know it I'm, you know, a kid, but she, she led me to believe that I could do anything that I wanted to do that, um, I'm responsible for myself and my actions. It doesn't matter what anybody else does that I should, um, apologize if I am wrong in an ins sincere and, and, um, heartfelt way. 

[01:03:05] And that, that, um, the good of the good of everyone would be part of my responsibility in life. That's beautiful. I wish more people were raised by your. Yeah, she was amazing. That's wonderful. I'm sorry. She and I, and I've carried with me all these years, you know, I've carried it with, I mean, this is, this is, it was so instilled in me that this that's amazing. 

[01:03:32] That's amazing. Okay. The last question is really very shallow. okay. Hey, let's do a shallow question. very shallow question. During the, the, the lockdown part of the pandemic. I think so many of us just were binge watching TV and movies, just so that we didn't go crazy and climb the walls. So what TV shows or movies do you binge now that you, that you love? 

[01:03:55] Um, I, I, I, I, I'm not a big, big TV or movie. It's always, it may always be on, but I'm. But I said the one show that's constantly on. I know this is, is N C I S I, you can find N C S on any channel on any given day. And so that's my background. What does N C I S even stand for? Do you know? I don't no idea. Yes. 

[01:04:19] It's no Navy. See, I see. No. And Navy Navy thing, Navy criminal thing, criminal CI. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Wow. It's yeah, that's it. That's, that's heavy. 

[01:04:38] on any given at any given night, late at night, it'll be on my TV when I'm probably with my computer on my lap. okay. All right. I think it would give me nightmares, but you're a tougher constitution than me. well, thank you so much for this Mary. This was very enjoyable and, and, uh, really, uh, Motivating conversation. 

[01:05:00] Excellent. Thank I love every moment of it. And thank you for sharing me with your audience and sharing your audience with me. It was, uh, you welcome. It was really, uh, fun. I'm so.