Permission to Heal Episode #74 - A Conversation with Kim Keane about helps parents & their daughters get through the tween & teen years.
Kim is a life coach, Reiki & IET practitioner is the host of the podcast ONE OF A KIND YOU. As the founder of her life coaching business CHERISH & BLOOM. Her experiences as “that” teen, an educator, and a certified life coach have given her the perspective, knowledge, and skills that allow her to understand the causes of pre-teen and teen behavior while equally sympathizing with the reasons why parents react the way they do.
Kim shares her experiences as a domestic violence survivor, educator, and parent. She shares her insight and deep understanding of what children may be experiencing, or parents might be experiencing along with strategies to help get to the root cause of the issue to create and solidify lasting change.
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[00:00:00] Welcome to PERMISSION TO HEAL. I am Marci Brockman, and I am thrilled that you were here today. Honestly, you know, the fact that each week you come back and you spend an hour with me and my guests and learn and are open minded and, and keep coming back and are faithful listeners is. Is so meaningful to me.
[00:00:19] I appreciate you very much. And love that you keep coming back. Today, we're talking to Kimberly keen who lives in Pennsylvania, but she's from Delaware. Kim is a certified life coach. She's a Reiki master, an I E T or integrative energy therapy practitioner and a podcaster. With a podcast called ONE OF A KIND YOU she has addressed community organizations in schools and colleges, such as the boys and girls club and Purdue university, as well as women's groups, such as polka dot powerhouse and moms who dare she strives to empower women to embrace who they are so they can be and do all that. They aspire. As the founder of her Leco life coaching business called CHERISH AND BLOOM, Kim helps parents and their daughters get through the tween and teen years, her commitment to ongoing education and clear communication aids. These families in coming out on the other side with fewer gray hairs and less drama. And we could all use that
[00:01:23] her experience. That teen in air quotes an educator. She was an elementary school teacher. And as a certified life coach have given her the perspective, knowledge, and skills that allow her to understand the causes of pre-teen and teen behavior, while equally sympathizing with the reasons why parents react the way they do.
[00:01:41] And she is just open and honest and willing to share her whole story. All of its vulnerability. That includes all of her experiences as a domestic violence survivor. As an educator, as a parent, as a, a woman who felt stuck and felt confused about why she was reacting to certain things who didn't know how to regulate her own emotions.
[00:02:03] And she talks to us about her whole journey and how all of that fits together and how she then. Turns that all that she learned over to her clients and helps them do the same thing with their lives. So it was just a really wonderful, real vulnerable conversation. And so I think that you're gonna enjoy it immensely. And if you do, and you are so inclined, it would be really great. If you left us a review and shared the episode with your friends. Thank you so much for being here. I love you all.
[00:00:00] Welcome, Kim. It's so great to talk to you. How are you today? I'm doing well. It's great to talk to you. How are you doing? I'm all right. I'm trying to wake up. Yeah. How long of a nap? My brain is still half sleeping. Having some caffeine and chatting with you is gonna wake me up.
[00:00:14] It'll be. Yes. Well, it's Wednesday. So it's like that midweek crunch that you're trying to get through, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh, I had, I had the flu and bronchitis last week and I'm still sort of trying to get over the exhaustion of recovering from that and being asthmatic, uh, it's affected my breathing.
[00:00:32] So I'm on like, All sorts of steroids and all sorts of crap that I hate the way it makes me feel, but it does increase my lung capacity and breathing's sort of importance. So, yeah. Yeah, it definitely is. So, you know, I have this cough that I thought was still part of the virus, but when the doctor heard me, she said, no, that's asthma.
[00:00:51] okay. Oh, fun. Great. Take this prednisone. You'll be okay.
[00:01:00] So, on permission to heal, we're all about healing from trauma and to talking about different modalities, to get people a little further, along on their well wellness journeys and, um, inspiring people to make, powerful, intentional choices in their lives. And I, I think that that's what you are all about as well, which is why, or how we connected.
[00:01:24] Um, mm-hmm to do this interview, to have you on the, on the show. So let's, um, I'd love to, since we are just meeting right now, I would love to have, have you the first time explain like who you are and where you're from and what your story is like, where'd you grow up what your family was like, you know, how did you become the vivacious woman that you.
[00:01:44] Yeah, so, um, my name is Kim and, um, I'm a mom, so I have two daughters that are nine and 12, and I'm married to my husband for almost 14 years and we have three fur kids, two dogs and a cat. They're all rescues. So that keeps me busy in my quote, unquote, mom life. Nice. The business life is, um, I'm a certified life coach.
[00:02:03] I'm a podcaster and I'm a Reiki and I E T practitioner what's, I, I E T it's called integrative energy therapy. So it's also a hands on healing, but it works with angel energy. Okay. Yeah. So, um, that's a new, that's a new, um, addition to my toolbox, um, that I recently have delved into and absolutely obsessed.
[00:02:29] Um, so where I here, here I am. So I recently moved to Canada square, Pennsylvania. Um, I grew up in Delaware. Um, my parents divorced when I was very young and, um, my mom jumped right into another relationship, which was the reason that my parents got divorced. I'm the only child from their marriage. And, um, I have three stepbrothers and a half brother from my step and my mom and then my dad also remarried.
[00:02:56] So I have two half brothers from my dad and my stepmom. So a very complex family tree, um, very similar to mine, my mom. Yes. So, um, with lots of dysfunction in there still, um, I just am better now at ma managing and mitigating the dysfunction mm-hmm , but not so much growing up. So my mom, um, was actually taken from her parents by the state of Delaware when she was 10, along with her seven siblings.
[00:03:23] Um, because they were living in abandoned homes with no electricity, no running water, no food complete and total neglect. Oh wow. And so foster care. Yeah. Foster care was not good for my mom either. The abuse and the neglect continued in foster care. So, um, my mom hasn't really done a lot of healing work, so there were a lot of lessons that I learned from my mom growing up with, you know, unhealed trauma.
[00:03:47] And then my dad's mother, she grew up with an alcoholic father. So I learned all about codependency from that family dynamic. So, um, it fast forward to high school. I ended up in an abusive relationship as, uh, a high school student. So my boyfriend and I started dating sophomore year and I stayed with him until I was 21.
[00:04:11] And in that time, wow. Um, it started off with. Verbal abuse, manipulation control. And it escalated as abusive relationships typically do to physical abuse. I stayed with him for a year while he was in jail. And I said yes to a jailhouse proposal. Wow. Yeah. And, um, so yeah, so, uh, 21, when I left him, I was a completely wild woman at the bar all the time, acting a fool.
[00:04:40] I'm really trying to prove to myself that all the things that he had said to me, weren't true, that someone else would want me. Right. So, um, so making not great choices there and then finally started college at the age of 20, almost 22, 21, I guess. Um, because I didn't go to college. I out of high school because of that relationship.
[00:04:59] Right. Got my teaching degree, became a teacher left teaching, started therapy. And then where it was like, all the things opened up about all the trauma. Because up until that point, I really didn't have an awareness of like the childhood trauma and the dysfunction there. Okay. I just thought the issues were gonna be because I was in an abusive relationship as a high school student.
[00:05:20] So, um, so yeah, that was really eye opening. Well, the template that you inherited from your mother, that she carried into her marriage with your father and my stepfather and your stepfather is what. Contributed to, to you choosing that abusive boyfriend? Yes. Yes, very much so. And the dynamic between my dad and my stepmom, well between my stepmom and me was not always healthy.
[00:05:47] So, um, so it was a really hard thing because my, you know, being at my dad's house, I was an only child there until I was 13. Um, but I, my dad, I lived with my dad I'll say primary. So I went to my mom's house every other weekend and one evening during the week. So when my dad and my stepmom started dating when I was six, that kind of rocked my world because it would have been my dad and me for almost a year, maybe a year and a half.
[00:06:11] And her view of the way that he was raising me, wasn't aligned with his, she thought I was spoiled and, you know, started putting down grades in place that my dad hadn't done. And so that didn't go well, so. It was really hard. I really didn't feel like I fit in at my dad's house with him and my stepmom and them having children.
[00:06:30] And then I didn't really feel always like I fit in at my mom's house because it was my mom, my stepdad, his boys on some of the weekends that I was there. Not always, but then my younger brother and my half brother. So it was always this kind of weird feeling of like being in purgatory even though, um, yeah, I understand that, you know, even though my mom did everything she could to make sure that I didn't have the childhood that she had and really, you know, she doted over me and all of that.
[00:06:53] It still was a very weird dynamic trying to process it all. Mm-hmm as a little kid, even into a teenage years. Yeah. My, my parents got divorced or started their divorce when I was 13 and didn't officially get divorced until I was 19. So that was a oh wow. but they both remarried people with children from their previous marriages.
[00:07:16] My mom married, my stepdad who had kids who were more than 10 years older than I was. Oh, wow. So we had nothing in common at all. Mm-hmm but, and then my dad married a woman who had kids who were 10 years younger than me. And I was like a ping pong ball in a way. Yes. You know, and, and, and being the only child from the original marriage, like you, I, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
[00:07:46] Like nobody's home was my home. Yeah. Cause they sold the place where I grew up. Right. And even though I was 17, when the remarriages happened, it, it still like totally fucked me over. You know? Yeah. Like cuz it had cuz the, the separation and all of the angst of that had gone on for like six years. It was just this long, drawn out manipulative, manic, depressive.
[00:08:10] Drug-induced craziness. yeah. I can't even imagine six years, but I was so little. I can remember. Um, there was a point at our house where my mom and dad I'm little I'm like maybe four they're like who do you wanna live with? And I like make that decision at four it's like, whoever lets me stay up late. He gives me candy, you know, like you're not making a good decision when you're four.
[00:08:35] Right. And of course I didn't understand. It was like, I kind of on some level knew, like I can't pick one. Like how do you pick one parent? When there are two of you standing here it's like, you don't wanna be the last kid picked for gym class. Right. The other parent's gonna be mad at you. They're not gonna love you anymore.
[00:08:50] Yeah, that's too much pressure. Yeah. So, um, so of course my dad ultimately made the decision and kind of, I'll say made my mom feel as though she couldn't have primary custody. They had joint, but you know, my mom didn't make much money. My dad didn't make much money either at the time, but she had convinced herself that it would be better for me to be with him.
[00:09:12] During the weekend, every other weekend and only with her every other weekend. Right. Because he made more money and all of these things, so, well, that's what child support is for to like level that out. Right, right. So, um, yeah, but she, I mean, she paid him child support and so it was just this weird dynamic.
[00:09:30] So I can't imagine going through it when you're older, because then you really do have the awareness of what's going on. At least when I was little, I, like, I knew things were bad, but I didn't really know all of it. Sure. Yeah. Yikes. Okay. So you became a teacher, you left teaching, then you went into therapy and then yeah, that did sort of didn't work except that it did open you up to all these other things and started you on your own healing journey.
[00:09:55] And then what did you get married after that? No. So, um, my husband and I got married at when we were both 27, so we started dating when we were 22. Okay. So, um, so you know him through this whole thing. Yes. Okay. So, um, I met him when I had sworn off that I would ever be in another relationship again. well, that's why it works right?
[00:10:15] When you stop looking. Yeah. So I, at the bright page of 21, I was like, that's it. I don't ever need a, I am done. I don't need a man because I kept. Engaging in this pattern of picking these men who were not healthy for me to be with. Yeah. Hi, I did that too. Right. And I finally reached this breaking point where I was like, okay, I am done.
[00:10:36] Like I am done with this. It's clearly not working. I'm not good at this. I don't need this. I can do this by myself. I will be artificially inseminated. I will buy my own house. I will have this kid. I will get a dog. I will do it all. And I don't need a man to make a happy you don't truth. Be told, you know, truth be told.
[00:10:52] And then, um, my girlfriend worked in HR. We both worked at the same company and she was like, I just hired this guy. And he's so in your league and I was like, God, you're so rude. And she actually was just like, that's a compliment, Kim. I was like, oh, OK, I'm sorry. Oh, say, okay. Yeah. And, and he was, the guy said at work.
[00:11:13] Kayla's the guy. And so I, I actually, my coworker forced me to ask him out on a date. She was like, if you don't do it, I'm gonna pretend to be you and do it for you via email. Wow. So I sent him an email and it took him three days to respond and I still bust his chops about it almost 18 years later, but we went on a date and we've been together ever since.
[00:11:32] So yeah, he was with me through the whole, um, the whole journey. Wow. So did he, did he go through a soul journey like you did along the. no. So my husband's upbringing is vastly different from mine. And so, um, almost with like zero trauma. And so his parents are still married over 50, right? Um, he's the youngest of three boys.
[00:11:55] It's like, you're all American family. Like I joke and say, if there was ever gonna be a house with a white picket fence around the yard, it would totally be my, my in-laws, but they've been married for over 50 years. They have three boys who have, you know, successful careers who, you know, were athletic growing up, did study abroads, like just that's awesome.
[00:12:15] Yeah. So, um, no, so his trauma as from me, honestly, from my unhealed trauma, I traumatized him. Do you feel that, that his solid steady, like air quote, normal upbringing helped steady you and, and help you. Stay afloat during your, your whole discovery process on some level? Yes, because he could keep it together when I couldn't to parent our children.
[00:12:46] Um, but on the same time, at the same level, no, because he just doesn't even remotely have any understanding of what it's like to grow up with trauma. Right. And so. He just so like, oftentimes he was blindsided when I would feel triggered or when I would be lashing out and he'd be like, I don't, I don't understand.
[00:13:08] I don't get it. And then I would have to explain everything to him and then I would get angry and be like, forget it. I'll just do it myself. Like, there's no point in me explaining this to you because this is like talking to a brick wall. Right. That's frustrating. So, yeah. Yeah. So, um, on, so it was some on some level helpful, but on some levels, not, not so much.
[00:13:27] Yeah. But now he sees, so he's like, he can see where there's still patterns of dysfunction showing up in family situations. But even when we're out in public, he's like, now he knows. So we were just at universal and he was like, oh, uh, do you think that's emotional needs right there? That couple arguing so he's learning.
[00:13:47] Nice. so your, your kids are how old. They're nine and 12. Oh, such delicious ages. Yes. Although I'll say my 12 year old is getting they're both girls and my 12 year old is getting a little like, uh, sassy, ah, for hitting that is coming Uhhuh, that little sassy. Nice. And I'm like, oh God, she looks like me. She acts like me.
[00:14:09] So I'm like to breathe. Kim breathe. You're in for it. Now, Kim, I, him for it teenage years are coming, aboard buckle. Your seat belts, right? Whoa. Yeah, my, my youngest is 21. And is graduating from college in weeks. Freaking skin. Yeah, that's exciting. That's very scary. And my oldest is 24 and he's graduating with his masters in mechanical engineering from UVM in three weeks.
[00:14:41] Wow. And I have two step kids from my. Current marriage. I'm married for the second time. And my stepson is 27 and finishing his BA in, I think December he's on a different track, which is fine, everybody. Yeah. Blooms at a different time. Absolutely. And my stepdaughter is 33 lives in Florida. And is the mother and stepmother of five, five, God give her kids.
[00:15:07] The oldest is 13. She was enough. No, no. She was enough. She asks me parenting questions and I'm like, I'm outta my fucking depth. I don't know. What do you do with five right run. Right? I don't know. What do you do with five lock yourself in the closet? I have no idea. And three of them are the same age. She had twins and her husband had a child the same, the same year with his ex-wife.
[00:15:32] So she has the four, but two of them are twins. And so now there are three that are the same age, so they might as well. So it's like triple. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, right. Too much. Way too much. And they're such good parents and so much patience that in a thousand years I could never have. Right. It's like having an elementary school class 24 hours a day.
[00:15:55] Yes. See, at least at the kindergarten teacher, I had my littles for the school day, but then I sent them home. Granted, I came home to my own because my, when, um, when I left teaching, that was in 2014. So Casey was two and Lily was five. So I left, sent 25, 5 year olds home to come home to a two year old and a five year old.
[00:16:14] So there were some days where I was like, Jesus, this is never ending. This is like 20 working on 24, 7 shift. oh my God. Yeah. But it, but at least, you know, you, you love. The ones that are biologically yours. So that gives you a little more patience, hopefully, uh, you know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes it feel always, it's awful to say, I feel like it's the opposite.
[00:16:34] I'm like, I know I have to be patient with other people's kids more so than my own. I hear you. I hear you that, that one year that I taught three year olds and then had a two and a five at home, uh, I, I was ragged, ragged. Yeah. I, I had no idea how I was gonna continue doing that. And so when I had the opportunity to go back to the high school where I am still teaching 20 some odd years later, I was like, yes, let's go.
[00:17:00] I need, I need older kids. I can talk to things about who I don't need my hand to hold their don't need me to hold their hand when they go potty, you know, like, yeah. Yeah. So I give you all the credit. Cause high school scares me. Like I will take 30 kindergartners any day of the week before I take a class full of high school students.
[00:17:18] Yeah, I know I'm the opposite. And, and that's why we have different people have different temperaments, which is good. It suits them for suits them for what they choose to do, whether they're a lawyer or a doctor or a garbage man, or they teach kindergarten or 12th grade, you know, it doesn't matter. Yeah.
[00:17:36] Um, hopefully we, we do what makes us happy. What brings us meaning and joy and helps us contribute positively to other people's lives. That's I mean, what's more could we want for, for each other, for ourselves? Yes. So, so you left teaching, started your own health journey and then became a certified life coach mm-hmm so you have so, so cherish and bloom is the name of your business.
[00:18:02] Yeah. Which I love, that's such a cool name. Thank you. And, and so what do you do as a life coach? You're specifically geared towards parents and kids. Um, so I do work with parents and kids because I also have an afterschool program called girl talk, which is for, um, young girls. So initially when I started girl talk, it was for middle school girls and then the middle school girl parents, we're like, well, we, we have a daughter in first grade too.
[00:18:28] So when are you doing girl talk for the, for the littles? And I was like, okay, just gimme a little bit of time. So now I do girl talk for girls and grades for one all through sixth grade. So, um, so I do work with parents and their daughters, um, who are having the struggles that I had as a teenage girl, but really from my, my life coaching business, I really work with women who have trauma and, um, they're feeling the very way that I was before I started my journey overwhelmed.
[00:18:58] But not really fully understanding why they're overwhelmed, really not able to cope with much feeling stuck, like something is missing, but can't quite put their finger on it. Right. And really what it blows down to is that there's that unhealed trauma lingering under the surface where they've taken on other people's thoughts and opinions as their own and it's time for them to shed them.
[00:19:19] Yeah. I was definitely one of those women . Yeah, definitely. And, and my mom was and never healed from any of it. And it wound up, you know, through her undiagnosed self-medicated bipolarity and her opiate drug addiction that grew out of the masking of all of that. That's what killed her at 69. Um, so, so young, that was a rude awakening for me, you know?
[00:19:45] Yeah. I, um, Yeah. Wow. Okay. So, so someone finds you and they go to your website and they click on, let's have a meeting. And how do you start? What do you, what do you say? I've not seen a life coach before, you know, as a client. So how does it go? Yeah. So I really just ask them to share with me, you know, what they're feeling in this moment, what led them to hit the click button?
[00:20:11] Um, because a lot of times I think people wanna hit that button, but they're afraid to do so because they have to share. Right. So I really just give them the space to share what they're struggling with, where they are in this moment. And I just take that, what they share and give them those little shining glimering of nuggets to say, Hey, I know I've been there, walked that same journey, and I know what I can do to help you.
[00:20:37] And these are the things that we will start with. And so I'm just give a concrete example. Um, I had a client reach out after listening to my podcast. Um, she had messaged me on Facebook and said, you know, I relate to your therapy journey. She was in therapy, the therapist was late or didn't show, and then wanted her to stop taking, um, or wanted to put her on antidepressants and wanted her to stop nursing her baby to be on the antidepressants.
[00:21:05] And just, that's a big ask. Yeah. Yeah. He and I was like, I'm sorry, what? Yeah. So I'm like, have you done any, like, has the therapist done any work with you to see if you don't actually need the antidepressants? Right. And she was like, no, because she keeps canceling on me or she doesn't cancel, but then actually never shows.
[00:21:26] So she was like, I can't even see her consistently. And so she just shared with me how that's affecting her really her mindset to be present as a mom for this infant baby, cuz she feels like she's failing the baby because she is. You know, gonna have to stop nursing him to take this medication that she doesn't even necessarily really wanna take.
[00:21:48] And then it was impacting the marriage, her marriage, because, you know, she's sad and feeling like she's hopeless, which then the husband was getting frustrated with her and was like, You need to do something mean? Could this have been postpartum depression? I mean, how old was the baby? It could be so that at this point, her baby was four months old, so it could have been a little bit of postpartum, but as we dug more and more into it, it was really her not feeling valuable.
[00:22:15] To her baby and her husband as a stay at home mom mm-hmm because she also worked in the education field and she left the education field to be home right with her baby. And so it was like this adjustment to letting go of the identity of being in education and feeling like she wasted her degree because she was only in that position for two years.
[00:22:36] And now she's not making the money that she used to. So then there was the financial burden on the husband. Sure. And so that was really the, the big issue is that she was just feeling like she wasn't holding up her end of the deal. And so of course, then she would lash out at him. He would lash out at her because she's home taking care of the baby.
[00:22:54] He would come home. There would be dishes in the sink or the laundry wasn't done. And you know, that dynamic of adjusting to having a new baby, but then also adjusting to different roles in the dynamic of the relationship I've been there. So. Right. I think we all have. Yeah. And so, because parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual changing jobs, or leaving a job and adjusting to a new role, doesn't come with an instruction manual.
[00:23:17] Well, nursing a, a newborn. I mean, I remember sitting on the couch nursing 10, 12 times a day when they were really little, I still in my nightgown with, you know, Cheerios from the three year old stuck to the hem of it. Dishes, everywhere, toys everywhere. No one was showered. Yeah. The houses looked like a bar had gone off, you know?
[00:23:36] Yeah. And it was, and I considered myself a success cuz everybody was fed. No one had dirty diapers and we were all alive at the end of the day. Yeah. That was sometimes all we, we could do, you know? Yes. We're clean. We're fed and we're breath. Yes success. Yes. And so underneath all of that unworthiness that she was feeling was also the fact that she had been sexually assaulted oh.
[00:24:02] In her early twenties. And so that was also playing in her mind because she was feeling like that was her fault too. So she was feeling like everything was her fault. And so six years later, she was still carrying this, uh, this is all my fault. Every time there's a mistake or something's not working, it's all my fault when something isn't going quite right.
[00:24:23] It's all my fault. And so there were also messages received from, you know, mom growing up about the work that you have as how clean your house is. You should have dinner on the table for your husband, all these types of things. And so patriarchy sucks. That's awesome. Yes. Yes. And so just helping her strip all of that away and get to who she really was as a person.
[00:24:45] And so, you know, she had listened to my podcast where I share my journal entries when I'm in the thick of the struggle. So she knew that I knew exactly what she was going through. And so that really helped her connect with me. And when I coach a client, we only coach for eight sessions over a period of three months.
[00:25:00] And she messages me all the time. And she's like, I hope you don't mind that. I message you. I'm like, no, it's absolutely fine to message me. Um, but she just sends so much love and appreciation for the transformation that she made basically in three months, because she now knows what's hers to carry in terms of emotional burden.
[00:25:19] What's not hers to carry and what isn't. She knows how to release it much faster than she did in the past. She doesn't hold onto it. That's communication between her and her husband has improved. And she's able to be a more present mom for her child who is now over one, because she's recognizing what's really within her control and what's not.
[00:25:39] And that other people's opinions, the in-laws her parents, none of it matters because at the end of the day, she's living her life align to her values. So how did you help her discover this? I mean, that's a lot of growth in three months. . Yes. So, um, the first two sessions, when I work with a client, we do a lot of time digging in the sandbox, so to speak.
[00:25:59] Um, but the thing that I, I like about coaching that differs from therapy is that when we talk about past experiences, we don't get stuck in the story of it because it was shitty to live through it the first time no one wants to live through it a second time. Right. So we just like, I don't need the details.
[00:26:16] So when she talked to me about the sexual assault, I'm like, I don't need to know all the details. I just need to know the general scenario of how it happens and that that's all I really need to know. I don't, I don't need to, it's just enough to know that it happened, that it exists and therefore it's something that we need to get past.
[00:26:35] We need to feel yes. And the need and move on from. Yeah. And then meaning that she attached to the situation. And so really what we do is we look at all areas of your life. So we start in childhood, we look at parental relationships, sibling relationships, situations in school situation with friends, and then we move into adult, the adult realm.
[00:26:54] And we look at career, we look at marriage or dating relationships, you know, adult friends. And so from there I can take, I can really gather the, I'll say the puzzle pieces. Sure. Um, to start putting the puzzle together to say, okay, You know, you grew up with a mom who and a dad, dad had alcoholism. Mom was codependent because she was trying to protect you guys from their alcoholism.
[00:27:19] These were the messages that you learned from mom in terms of what a mom looks like. Sounds like, thinks like this is what you learned in terms of what it looks like. Sounds like. Things like to be a wife, B B, B, B, B. And so from there, I can see the patterns that are being run and sure. The beliefs that are associated with those patterns.
[00:27:39] So really the goal is to break those patterns and to do it in such a way that feels aligned. Because when we try to do things that are not aligned with our current mindset, they feel uncomfortable, they feel awkward and the change isn't long lasting. So I really do it in a way that builds them up. So we start small.
[00:27:56] Yeah. And then we build up. and so that way the pattern is broken and it's replaced with a pattern that's more serving for them, but also the awareness too, that they get from the pattern that they were running, why they were running it mm-hmm and, um, how it all relates back to their emotional needs. And so that's really the progression of it.
[00:28:15] So like first two sessions are the discovery sessions where we're discovering all of the things. And then the next two sessions are the understanding sessions where we take that understanding. We develop that understanding of all the things that have happened in life to get you to the point where you currently are.
[00:28:31] And then. The next two sessions. So which would be sessions five and six. That's where we're in the support stage. So I'm giving them exercises, I'm giving them activities, I'm giving them homework and resources that they have to work through to start creating those more empowering patterns for themselves.
[00:28:48] And then in sessions, is that, what are those, what are those entail? Like guided journal entries or what? Yeah. Yeah. So guided journal entries, um, reflection, actual exercises. So, um, for instance, the client that I mentioned, she and the husband were having a really difficult time communicating and understanding where each person was coming from mm-hmm
[00:29:13] So, um, I taught her how to manage her emotional state. And then she was to share that with the husband. So that he could actually see. So I gave her a handout here as emotional state. This is what it is. And so I want you to, to work through, take your last argument, take this emotional state, go through it so that you both can see how the conversation affected the both of you in that relationship.
[00:29:41] Then I want you to say, okay, in the future, when I'm feeling this, when I'm believing this, this is what I need to do. Okay. And this is what I need to do. So they both had a game plan for the next time that, you know, things got a little heated. They said, oh, okay. We know this is why, cuz I'm not feeling significant.
[00:30:01] I'm not feeling certain. And this is the emotional state that's created from it. Right. So then they were able to move forward forward with that and use that in the future. That's huge. So just different things. So I having those tools to be able to regulate their own emotional state and then navigate through.
[00:30:18] Old stuff, new stuff, the, and, and create a new template together. That's huge Kim. Yeah. So that way they it's, it's something that's gonna not just be this awkward thing that they do one or two times. Cause she had tried the exercise two, two thorns in a rose or two roses in a thorn or something like that.
[00:30:39] I don't know if you've ever heard of it. No, it's a helpful situation. So basically at the end of the day, you sit down with your partner and you say, okay, two things that were a thorn today, were you didn't, I didn't feel like you listened to me when you got home from work because you were still too busy doing work on your phone.
[00:30:57] And I asked you to stop and pick up milk and you forgot. And so the, but the rose is something that was positive from the day. Oh, you helped me clean up dinner. So that was the rose. And so they had tried that, um, In the past, but it just wasn't, it could seem artificial. It was artificial. It was, they were sometimes struggling to come up with two thorns and arose, but then sometimes when they were trying to share the thorns, that ended up leading to an argument.
[00:31:26] Sure. Because they were taking it personally. Mm-hmm so there wasn't this like, oh, okay. Thank you for bringing that thorn to my attention in the future, I'm going to try to do this so that it doesn't become a thorn any longer. Right. So it just, there wasn't, it wasn't structured enough for them to understand.
[00:31:45] And, um, the husband said that, you know, he felt like he always was trying to make sure that she was happy and taken care of. So he felt like it was his role to carry her, to make sure that she wasn't upset or frustrated. Yeah. And so. So when she started to shift, he actually had a little bit of a challenge with that.
[00:32:06] And he wasn't always recognizing when she was shifting away from those old patterns, but that's cuz he had been conditioned. Sure. So helping him to, to recognize and see and validate one validation was needed like, oh, okay. I see that in the past, she would've screamed at me, but today you're saying to me, I'm feeling triggered.
[00:32:25] I need to step aside for a minute, just gimme five minutes and I'll come back to finish the conversation. So, you know, which is a perfectly valid, very rational thing to say. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And so giving her that saying like, oh, okay, thank you for not screaming at me. Yeah. Go take five minutes. If you need 10.
[00:32:41] Great. I'll just be here with the baby. You come on back. And so having him see that she was making progress and that it was real progress and that she wasn't gonna slide back into our old ways. Mm-hmm um, So, and really the guided exercises are really tailored to what they're experiencing at that moment in that stage of the journey.
[00:33:01] Cool. Um, so, so that way it's not this cookie cutter thing. And so, and that's the other piece too, is, you know, when we don't do things that really align with our current mindset, it feels like a struggle. We don't do it. We think like, oh, okay. I don't really feel like doing that. Cause I don't think I can, I don't believe I can, or I've tried something similar in the past and it didn't work.
[00:33:21] So I'm not gonna do that this time. So it's really just small tasks or things that they can feel successful with in that moment to help start changing that mindset so that it becomes a lasting change, not a superficial easy, yeah, not long lasting change. And, and that's, that's a huge difference. I mean, there, I know that there were.
[00:33:44] many times in relationships that I've had where I've wanted to make change or my significant other wanted to make changes. And. Usually, you know, from my perspectives usually seemed like they were placating me like, oh yeah, I totally know what you mean, Marcy. Yeah. You want exactly what you want. And then for like a week or two things were great and then slides right back to the old shit and then were fighting again over the same things.
[00:34:11] Um, yeah. So to have both parties within the relationship, Work actively and intentionally and consistently towards the, the change is huge. Yeah. And that's because, you know, we slide back into what is easy and especially when we don't understand why it's happening in the first place, mm-hmm, , you know, a lot of times we slide back into these old things because that's just an automatic response.
[00:34:37] It's something that we learned in childhood. So for instance, right. You know, when my husband and I argue I'm much better than I used to be. But back in this, at the start of the healing journey before the healing journey even started, you know, when we were still in our early twenties, um, you know, we would have an argument and he doesn't ever remember his parents arguing.
[00:34:57] So the first time that he has any recollection of his mom or dad even being short with one another was when I was gonna meet his parents for the first time. . Wow. So it's all your fault, Kim, it's all your fault. It's all his mom squirted. Um, The wrong medication in her eye. She thought she was putting eyedrops in her eye, but it was actually a nail fungus remover.
[00:35:20] Oh shit. And she, yeah. So she had to get this medication and my father-in-law wasn't calling the pharmacy fast enough for her. And she snapped at him like, Jim, I need you to call the pharmacy. And my husband said, that's the only time that he has any recollection of his parents being short with one another.
[00:35:37] Yes. And so that's pretty like a Stepford family to me. Right. Is that normal? Right? I'm like, wow. Yeah. So, but at the same time, I feel like, because they didn't talk about, you know, challenges in front of him. They must have waited until the boys went to bed. They, they, then he didn't have anyone modeling for him.
[00:35:57] So do you have tools, right? How do you have a discussion with someone and handle it when it. Out of control or disgruntled. Now my early memories are my parents screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, you know, putting their fist up in each other's face. Right mindset. So, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, um, I always used to joke and say that I was like the pit bull going for the throat and my husband's like the little dog, like rolling on its back, pissing all over the floor.
[00:36:22] Like, please don't bite my neck off. And so I really had to work on not completely losing my shit on him and breathing and really understanding like, okay, why am I so angry and what is he doing to push the buttons so that now I can not say that I don't ever raise my voice to him, but it takes me longer now to get to that point.
[00:36:43] Um, because I'm, I have the awareness well, that's that I don't need to scream like a raging lunatic to be heard and to be seen. Yeah. Yeah. When I, that that's, that's, it's huge. The awareness and the intention and the compassion you have for yourself and for him to be able to. to, to, to be willing and, and able to, to regulate that is, especially in the moment when you're being triggered is, is a, is a, a very amazing skill.
[00:37:10] Um, yeah, I know from no nobody's consistently perfect. Always, right. Although I like to try to be no, I'm just kidding. yeah. Yeah. I, I never learned here. I am 53 years old and I've never really learned how to argue in a healthy way. You know, like, I, I grew up as a people pleaser. I was the, the diplomat, my parents fought like cats and dogs.
[00:37:43] And I used to hide in my closet with a Teddy bear and a pillow because I just wanted to be far away from it. And so I grew up very nonconfrontational. I didn't ever express my own needs. I sublimated everything and, and did managed my own, my own emotional life in a way to, to attempt to regulate my mother mm-hmm because she was so unpredictable.
[00:38:12] Um, I didn't know. She was bipolar who the hell knew. I don't even think she knew she was bipolar. She just, some days took to her bed and some days was a raving lunatic and everything in between. Um, and so when I went into relationships, I naturally gravitated towards men who were just like my mom. And it felt like home, even though it was toxic mm-hmm , you know, and yeah.
[00:38:37] And I never expressed my needs. Everything was okay. You know, whatever you wanna do. I mean, it wasn't like a rug that they could just walk all over. I had some boundaries, but really not a lot and not enough. And, um, like you, I was in one negative toxic, abusive relationship after another, and then, uh, and wound up marrying one of them and having two kids with him.
[00:39:04] Mm-hmm and still kept making excuses. You know, like things would get bad and, and I would try to stand up for myself and he would hurt my feelings and then give me the silent treatment. He would get angry at me because my feelings were hurt by something that he did. Mm-hmm mm-hmm . And so then he'd get mad at me as a way of sidestepping his own culpability.
[00:39:25] And then I felt like shit. So now everything was my fault, including his abuse of me was still my fault. Yeah. And, uh, and then when my kids were five and eight, I said, fuck this, I had, I was up all night and I knew that something had to be done. I felt like I was drowning. And I said out loud to myself and to a friend of mine who I was talking on the phone with my next life, I'm gonna choose a better husband.
[00:39:53] And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, your next life. You're only 38 now. Yeah, like this life, you still have a lot of life. You still have left life. You still have a lot of this life left. What, what are you gonna do about this now? Yeah. And, and I, I sat with that overnight and I'm like, what am I gonna do with this now?
[00:40:11] And it occurred to me that I didn't want either of my children to have a marriage like this mm-hmm . And if I don't want them to have a marriage like this, I can't let them grow up in a marriage like this. Yeah. Otherwise they're gonna have the same problem that I had because I inherited this bullshit from my parents.
[00:40:35] Yes. So it was just this epiphany. Yeah. A as I watched the sun come up and I, I said, okay, I need to get a divorce. So I made two cups of coffee. I heard my ex-husband, who was still my husband at the time, getting up to get dressed for work. I walked in, handed him a cup of coffee and I'm like, sorry to spring this to you at six o'clock in the morning.
[00:40:57] But I need to get a divorce and how did he react to that? He was completely blown. He had, I can only imagine no idea because he was narcissistic and, and saw only his own needs ever. Yes. And, and so he didn't know how I felt. Partly also cuz the people pleaser, I used to be, wasn't telling him right. And letting him get away with all the shit, because I realized no matter how much I scream or no matter how much I implore him to listen, he's not really going to listen.
[00:41:32] Right. So we tried therapy and that didn't work because the couple's therapist thought that we could cure our entire marital problems with a sexy shower. Oh, it's funny that you say that because my therapist also, um, thought that, you know, because when I was going through therapy, I was complaining about Pete.
[00:41:52] Oh, he doesn't understand because he was working, his work schedule is crazy. He's an attorney. Right. And so I often joked that I was a single mom raising two kids. Right. And trying to heal myself. And, um, so I would often complain like he doesn't get it. He's not listening. I need this, I need that. I need this, I need that.
[00:42:11] And then she gave me this thing about, um, here, read this and you should do this together. And we were supposed to sit naked in front of each other and have a conversation, but like actually not have sex. And I'm like, Huh what's that's supposed to do vulnerability and, and intimacy. I dunno. No, no, no. This, this therapist answer to everything was a scheduled weekly date, night date night and, and, and dual showers.
[00:42:37] I'm like, yeah, I don't think that that's the problem. No, you know, I mean, yes, that is one problem, cuz we didn't ever right. We had no physical intimacy or emotional intimacy at all. So we were right. Basically cohabitating roommates. Co-parenting children. Yeah. Which was a disaster. Um, and then, and then we got divorced.
[00:42:59] We used a mediator. We were done in six months. The whole thing was over. And a couple of months after we split the, sold the house and we each moved to two different houses and we're doing the shared custody thing. He came to my house and, and uh, wanted to talk to me. The kids were inside. He wanted to talk to me, went out into the driveway and he said, I wanna thank you for divorcing for starting this divorce.
[00:43:20] Wow. Because I did not realize how unhappy we were and how up, uh, dysfunctional and, and, and, you know, unsatisfying our life was. And I would've never had the courage to do what you instigated and thanks. Wow. Really? I was shocked. Oh, blown. Yeah. Blown away, right? Yeah. So not to say that it was a comfortable and easy co-parenting ride because it was not, and there were lots of, no, I can't imagine.
[00:43:56] No, there were lots of issues. It's hard to co-parent with a narcissistic. Uh mm-hmm parent. And so, you know, there were all sorts of truth and versus deception stuff with the kids and lies mm-hmm and manipulation and guilt and, you know, all sorts of shit. Like he knew exactly what to say. Yes. Even if it was all a lie and then he would go do what he wanted to anyway.
[00:44:21] And then when everyone got upset, he would just rewrite history and just lie and say it was never like that. Yeah. And funny and lied a, a lot. And through the kids under the bus Uhhuh, like rather than tell me the truth, he'd blame it on the children. And the kids would say, no, that's not how it happened.
[00:44:39] That didn't go down that way. So it was, it was a mess. Yeah. It was a mess. But the kids knock on wood. They are good. Yeah. Well, that's the Testament to the stability that was created from the, you know, from the divorce, even though there were bumps in the road, it allowed you to be the version of you that you were meant to be and give them the mom that they were meant to have.
[00:45:02] Exactly. Exactly. I mean, I remember, and they were with me for the majority of the time, but I remember standing in my. First home that I ever was responsible for a hundred percent myself. Mm-hmm , which was the rental house we moved into after we sold the marital residence. And I had set up the kids' rooms.
[00:45:25] I was like, like on a tear in one day I set up the entire house, decorated, hung up, paintings, curtains, the whole thing. And so when the kids first came home for the first time, it was all of our stuff, like all regular furniture and their stuff from their rooms. And it felt like home, even though the kids had never been there before.
[00:45:44] And, and I worked really hard to, Ooh, hit the microphone to create this stability for them. And they didn't change schools and they stayed in the same town and they had the same girl scout troops and the same boy scout troops, and so on. And, and I think that that stability was very key in helping them feel Mord and connected.
[00:46:06] Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And then, you know, when I was in therapy the entire time I was going through the divorce, cuz I wanted to do it better than my parents did it. Mm-hmm keeping kids in mind, always, no matter how angry I got or how scared I got in dealing with my soon Tobe ex-husband I wanted the kids needs to be paramount through everything.
[00:46:27] And it worked for the most part for the things that I could control, but yeah. Tough. Tough. Yeah. Yeah. So I jokingly say to my husband that we can never get divorced because that's just not gonna happen. Right. And, and I say, agent, like we ever needed to get a divorce. Obviously we would do that because it would be in the best interest of us and our kids.
[00:46:48] But joking, what's better than killing one of you and bearing them in the backyard. Yeah, that's right. Well, I always say I'm like, I do, like, I will know where you live and I will come find you, so, right. Like I know,
[00:47:02] I know. So aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. So your podcast, tell us about that. What do you talk about on your podcast? So on my podcast, I share my journal entries from when I was going through therapy. It's called one of a kind you right? yes. Okay. And so, um, I literally read my journal entries that I wrote at that time.
[00:47:23] So this was back in 2015. Yeah. So this whole thing started in actually in 2014, when November of 2014 was when I started therapy. And, um, I stayed with the therapist until early 2016. And, um, finally had had enough of her being mean to me in therapy. It was like, I'm supposed to be here getting help from you.
[00:47:44] And you're being mean to me, so well, maybe you just needed a different therapist. Yes. So we weren't a good fit. And so, um, I, and that was where I felt like I had nothing left to lose. So I, I went to see a life coach and that was how I got my certification because I had more. Progress and transformation in eight, eight sessions, three months, basically then I did in over a year and a half of therapy.
[00:48:08] So wow. The therapist and I weren't a great fit. Um, but it was the benefit of the therapist was that I learned about codependency. I learned about anxiety and I learned about childhood emotional neglect. And those were the things that I needed to learn about to really be able to fully heal. Right. And understand all of this.
[00:48:25] So, yeah. So I literally read my journal entry from 2015, 2016. My journal entry is from 2014 were so I reading them, you know, six years later I was like, oh my gosh. If anyone sees these journal entries, I would be mortified. Cuz I thought I wrote in there, like I'm like Pete and I are our marriage. Isn't gonna work.
[00:48:44] This isn't working. It was very, very bad. Wow. And so I ripped those up and I threw them away, which our marriage was. not in dire. Like it wasn't on the verge of ending, but he was in a stressful job having a hard time coping and managing the stress. And then I was miserable trying to manage therapy and being present for two small children.
[00:49:06] And so neither of us knew how to come together and meet the needs of the other in this time. Right. So I was miserable and he was miserable, but I. Yes, a huge amount of disconnect, but at the same time, like when we were together, everything was fine. Like, we were very loving, you know, there we argued, but it wasn't, it wasn't dysfunctional.
[00:49:24] It wasn't anything bad, but I just had this story in my head that it should have been a different way. So anyways, Neith say my journal entry from 2014, I ripped those up and threw them away because I was like, if, if someone ever finds these, I will die. I don't ever want anyone to see these. And so cuz they were just, it was really, really a dark, dark place that I was in at that time.
[00:49:45] So my drone entry start in 2015 and so I literally read it and I reflect on what I know now as a certified life coach. And after having done a lot of the inner work, I can look at the journal entry and say, oh, well this is happening cuz I was looking to feel significant and I wasn't and said, this is why I felt this way and this is what I could have done instead.
[00:50:03] Or, oh, here's I was looking for, you know, some more certainty in this situation and I wasn't getting the certainty that I need. And here's, you know, or this is so, um, I really just reflect on the struggle and what I wish I had known then and what I know now. Wow. That's, that's vulnerable. Yeah. That's really putting yourself out there cuz it's your, your own feelings and your own self that you're sharing with the whole world and beautiful insight as well.
[00:50:34] Mm-hmm I mean that the everybody's getting the benefit of your growth and your knowledge and expertise and yikes. Yeah. But oddly enough, it doesn't feel vulnerable. I don't know if it's just because that feels so long ago, seven years ago, eight years ago. So I just don't know if it's like the time cuz I started my podcast in, I think August of 2020.
[00:50:55] So I just don't know from 2020 to back in 2015, five years, if I just, it felt so far removed almost like it wasn't me and my struggle any longer. Yeah. I can understand that. So, but it's also very easy for me because I've done the work to talk about, you know, being a domestic violence survivor to talk about codependency and childhood emotional, all of those things in full transparency.
[00:51:16] It's less easy for me to say, oh yes, I'm a bra practitioner. I do. I E T I love crystals. Like, that's actually harder for me to share with people than my journal entries, uh, because for me that's vulnerable. Really? Yeah. That's very interesting. Yeah. Isn't it. Cause that for me is like, um, like that's, my spirituality is believing in, in the power of Reiki, healing and I E T healing and crystal energy and those things.
[00:51:44] And so I think for me, because it's not, it's more mainstream now than it was seven, eight years ago. Sure. Course. When I started using those things, um, and sometimes when I say I get the look from people, that's like what you do, what? Right. And so there's that cringe of like. They think I'm weird or something.
[00:52:01] I don't know. They're just not enlightened. That's all right. Yeah. So, um, so I I'm moving past that, but yeah. So for a very long time, it was much more challenging for me to say, oh, I'm a Reiki master, um, than it was for me to read my journal laundry of a fight that I had with my husband or losing my shit on my kids.
[00:52:18] okay. I can see that. I, I, I guess that makes sense. I guess that makes sense. I mean, I, I haven't read my journals out loud, but I used, I've been keeping journals since 1983, so long damn time. My entire life is basically chronicled and in yeah. In words. And, uh, I used my journals as, uh, primary source documents when I was writing my memoir mm-hmm and you know, you don't wanna trust your 50 year old memory.
[00:52:50] About stuff. When you, when you have your own words, when you were 15 to describe what, what is actually happening. Yeah. Um, so, so that was extremely helpful. And, and I have found that that journaling, whether it's just chronicling my day or really delving into how I feel about something or a specific experience that happened or stuff that I'm grateful for or whatever it is that I feel like writing that particular day, it really has helped me work through my whole life.
[00:53:23] You know, like I've been with the therapist that I'm with now for over 10 years and wow. She is just amazing. I adore Barbara and. She sometimes think you have a Jen, so hold on TA. Oh my God. I love her. And she, she sometimes looks at me after we've talked about past experiences and she's like, I have absolutely no idea how you were saying, how do you do the things that you do and with all of that as your past experience.
[00:53:52] And we both agree that it was the journaling and I've always been an artist. So being able to, in words, and in visual images, express what I was feeling, and, and that was all bogged down inside allowed me to not get stuck in those patterns really, and to be self-aware and, and all of that. Yeah, journaling is amazing.
[00:54:20] So I have, I have multiple journals, so I have my like, journal that I just, you know, write experiences from the day or thoughts or feelings that have, but then I have separate, like I do a gratitude journal separately. Okay. So, um, so I always have those, so my husband's like, which journal are you doing now?
[00:54:34] Like how do you keep track of which journals? Which I'm like, cuz they're my journals, mind your business. right. Do you have actual physical books that you write in? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I used to do that and I, I have a whole Rubbermaid, gigantic bin filled with books and pads and all sorts of things that I used to write on.
[00:54:51] And um, and now I, I find it much easier to type and then I can slide pictures in. So I have an app called day one that links through my phone and my computer and they sync. So. I can write wherever I am and I can voice text it sometimes. Like if I don't feel like writing or something comes to me while I'm driving or I'm cooking or something, mm-hmm
[00:55:15] Um, and I find that it helps me write more often cause life. So I I'm gonna check it out. Life's so busy that sometimes I wasn't getting to actually have the quiet time to sit and actually write. So having an app helps. Yes. For sure. And I've never heard of it. So I'm so intrigued. So I'm, I'm gonna, as soon as we're done airing this, that I'm gonna top right on the app store and look at it.
[00:55:41] Yeah, it's cool. I think it's there, there's a free version and there's like a paid version. That's like six bucks or something, but the paid version allows you to integrate multiple devices on the same thing, which was important to me for functionality. So yeah. Six bucks or whatever the hell it is. I was fine.
[00:55:56] Fine. Yeah. Yeah. That's like a cup of Starbucks coffee. Yeah. Who cares? Like sacrificing one cup of coffee. Totally doable. So on your website, you give away a free guide. That's called five reasons. You're feeling stuck. What are those five reasons I was intrigued? Yeah. So, um, gosh, now I'm on the spot. I'm like, wait, what are my five things?
[00:56:17] So basically it's being stuck in the past. I'm like, wait, should I pull it up on my laptop? So I can remember. I'm like, oh gosh, I wasn't prepared for this one. I I'm sorry. I just threw it at you. That's okay. That's okay. So, um, I am going, cause I also wrote it a while ago, so it's like, I wrote it I out in the world and I don't always think about it, but the biggest thing of course, um, take away is that like living in the past mm-hmm , um, living in the thought of other people's opinions and um, those are two that are coming to mind.
[00:56:48] I can't think of the others. That's fine. I feel like really, really wanna be like, let me get that document right up. Your phone's fine. It's fine. It's fine. No worries. No worries. Oh, look, I already have it. Look at that. It's right down in my, okay, so living in the past and um, believing you're a failure. And, um, thinking that you're broken or flawed or effective, and the other one is, um, letting others tell you how to be, think and feel.
[00:57:15] And then reason number five is the uncertainty of what the future will look like. Oh, those are all reasons you could be stuck. Yes, absolutely. No, I get those out there super fast. No, no, no. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. That's uh, I did sort of just throw that in there. I, I, I just glanced down. I have this like list of questions and I just glanced down and I'm like, oh yeah, I did wanna know about that.
[00:57:38] Yes. Um, interesting. You know, I had, um, a Reiki treatment once. I dunno if you call it a treatment, I guess you do call it a treatment. Yeah. Um, I was shortly after my mom died and I had this horrible headache and I happened to be out with a cousin of mine somewhere and didn't know she was a Reiki master mm-hmm and she says, well, you know, gee, you want me to do a little Reiki on you?
[00:58:02] I could make the headache go away. And I'm like, are you kidding? So here we are in this lobby of this hotel. Yeah. And, and, and I'm like, well, what do you need me to do? She's like, absolutely nothing. Just sit there, Uhhuh. And then she was like, behind me and my eyes were closed. I don't know what she was doing, but you know, it was, I could feel the energy of her hands around me and, and I was breathing and she was talking to me and I don't really remember the whole thing, but my headache really went away.
[00:58:29] Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. And I didn't even know what Reiki was until, um, 2016. So when I was in therapy, the therapist adjusted, I get into yoga and meditation, which I did, and that was hugely valuable. So there's a local community college in Maryland called Cecil college. And every year in January, they have the mind body spirit Fest.
[00:58:49] And so I went there and my yoga clothes with my yoga mat on my shoulder. And I was like, I'm going to this thing, this festival to learn about yoga and meditation. Okay. And I walk in with my yoga mat and my yoga clothes, and it was not about yoga and meditation, yoga. There were crystals, there were aura photos.
[00:59:08] There was a John of God, crystal healing bed. And there were pass by progression people. And there was psychics and holistic herb herbal supplements and all of this stuff. And I was like, um, let me go put my yoga mat back in the car, cuz I think I'm at the wrong place. And so I went in and I had a, um, A Reiki session with a lady.
[00:59:32] Her name is Nancy. And, um, it was crazy cuz I never really had a psychic reading before either, and she's not a psychic, but she's an intuitive. And so she uses her third eye and so she only knew my name was Kim and I laid down on the massage table and she was like, you have two beautiful little blonde girls, don't you?
[00:59:48] And I was like, uh, Wow. And she was telling, she was like, you know, as a child, you often were a chameleon. You were really good at being able to change and adapt to whatever situation you were in. And I was like Uhhuh and I'm crying, but she was doing Reiki on me and she had placed crystals on me. And I immediately, it was like, I had known her my whole life.
[01:00:12] Wow. And we are just so in sync with one another and she's 80 and I'm 39, I'll be 40 in July. So we're 40 years age difference. And we're the best of friends. And so, um, I, then I started taking her cuz she was teaching classes through the holistic center at Cecil college. So I was learning about angels. I was learning about native American medicine wheels.
[01:00:32] I was learning about crystals, Reiki for pets, getting my Reiki. Attunements all of those things. And um, so it was like crazy. I went there thinking I was gonna learn about yoga and meditation cuz it was so not that. Um, but that was well, had you known it was all these other modalities you might not have go.
[01:00:50] exactly. So it was kind of like, um, my higher self was guiding me there. Yeah. And I was like, nowhere in the description. Was there anything about yoga and meditation, but that's what my brain saw was yoga and meditation. And so I started going for regular Reiki sessions with Nancy and I felt so much lighter after those sessions than I did.
[01:01:10] It was almost like I was moving through the trauma going for Reiki. Yeah. More so than I was when I was going through therapy. And so, because there's all that stored energy there from, you know, past lives as well as this life. And so just the difference that I was stealing was amazing. So again, I was like, okay, I need to be able to do this for others.
[01:01:30] So mm-hmm, the really cool thing is with, um, Reiki. And even with I E T you can do it distant. So you don't have to actually be physically with me in the room to receive Reiki healing really. So I can send yes. So, um, I have a friend in Germany who is dealing with some stomach issues. And so I sent Reiki energy to her from Kenneth square, Pennsylvania, all the way to Germany.
[01:01:54] And she said that she, that was the best night of sleep she had had in months. And the pain actually was starting to subside. And, um, wow. I've sent Reiki to someone in Minnesota, so you don't have to be, so Reiki is very much, you can do hands on healing, but you can also do a distance. And so there are different hand placements for the different areas of the body, um, to work through whatever energy blockages are there or whatever, just needs to be shifted a little bit.
[01:02:23] Wow. I had no idea. Yeah. That's very interesting. That's very interesting. Yeah. Wow. We learned. Yeah, same thing with crystal energy. So I have this, um, thing, this is called an on Taana. Okay. And so this is, um, you can use it for meditation as well, so you can look at it, um, and you can use it to connect with your higher self with Medi if you're meditating by looking at it, but to do a crystal healing session, which I also do, I'll just take whatever crystals are needed for the person.
[01:02:57] And then I place them on this. So it sits flat. And then you, I just tune the right, the crystals up with Reiki energy, and I place them on this grid and, um, activate it oops. As this one falls off, activate it with Reiki energy. And, um, it sends it to you. And I can either put your picture in the middle or just write even your name on a piece of paper.
[01:03:18] And, um, so that works for Reiki healing as well, using crystals and sending the crystal energy with the Reiki. Wow. So, so those of you who are just listening and not watching, she held. A round wooden board, I guess, with a, it, it looks like a, a 3d representation of a cube, but, but, but carved into the wood in two D so, um, yeah.
[01:03:41] That's, that's what she, she showed us. Yeah. So it's called a non Taana so you can Google it, um, to Google on Taana sounds like a dance. Yes. maybe that's ma Rena or something. I'm sorry. That's what I thought of. It sounds the same though. Well, wow. So we have learned a lot from you. That's awesome. I'm so excited, so glad that you're learning.
[01:04:04] Cause I always, you know, want to make sure that when I share someone's able to take something away. Oh, absolutely. Um, help them move forward in their journey. Absolutely. And I, I, I, I think that this, this community, this podcast, listener, pod squad, whatever we're gonna call ourselves, we, uh, we're all about the healing and different modalities and what works for different people might not work for us, but you never know what, what, what will work until you try it.
[01:04:31] So yeah. You just have to be open. Really. Exactly. Exactly. So before we conclude, let's get through, um, the, the seven quick questions, if you're ready. Yeah, I am. So this time I was prepared, I had, I was like, I'm gonna write these answers down. Oh, they're supposed to be spontaneous, but that's okay. So doesn't matter.
[01:04:53] I don't forget an answer. That's funny. Okay. What six words would you use to describe. Okay. So I really think about this one. So outgoing, adventurous, compassionate, determined, kind, and helpful. Sounds like you. Um, what's your favorite way to spend a day? So if I could just have any way to spend the day, I would love reading on like sitting in a chair on the beach and just reading, soaking up the sun.
[01:05:23] That is my favorite thing. My, when my husband and I got married, my second husband and I got married five years ago, we went to Aruba on our honeymoon mm-hmm and it was like, I'm not a beach person when it's super hot out, but Aruba is like 84 degrees with no humidity all year long. And so we sat under these grass.
[01:05:42] PAASS on the beach, looking at the, the ocean and all I did all day was read. He read, he played his video games. He did whatever he was doing. But I was reading book after book, after book. Yeah. And, and they were bringing me drinks and they were bringing me snacks. And I was just sitting there eating I'm like, this is heaven right here.
[01:06:02] Yes. I'm like, sign me up. yeah. Yeah. I, I don't want every vacation to be like that. I do like to go see stuff and look at museums and read things and, and go see sites and stuff. But, but boy was that awesome? Yes. And just every now and then, like you said, it doesn't need to be every vacation, but man, if I could just like, there it's like a bonus stay.
[01:06:22] If I could just get like a bonus, stay with a book, a nice sunny day, just a lounge chair, a nice tea sitting on the beach. Yes. Or even my hammock in my backyard with a good book. How that be? Yeah. Give me a couple hours to do that. That's fabulous. Fabulous. Yes. Or reading in bed when it's raining out? Yes.
[01:06:41] All SN is a bug in the blanket. Oh my God. It's like a vacation. Yeah. Okay. Um, what's your favorite childhood memory? So my dad making my Halloween costumes. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. What kind of costumes did he make? So my youngest, um, memory that I had was him making my cat costume. My parents were, I think probably like going through the divorce at that point.
[01:07:03] So I was like maybe four or five, but he made that, and it was really, I say made, but he took a milk jug and assembled, yes. He took a milk jug and cut triangles out of the plastic milk jug and glued them on black gloves. So I had kitty claws and with Elmers yeah, he Elmers glued plastic milk jug triangles to my face too.
[01:07:25] So I had kitty whiskers and then we just got, you know, you got a black headband from the dollar shore or whatever, and put black fabric on there. And I had a black dance leotard, black tights, and then he painted my sneakers black. So I was a black cat. And just, em, yeah. Assembling things like that. And so if he didn't do it, then my grandmother seamstres, which that's so old fashioned to have a seamstres.
[01:07:48] Right. But she, her seamstres also made my costumes when I was really little, so raggedy Ann and then also a clown. Wow. That's fun. Yeah. I loved making, assembling, buying whatever the costumes for my kids when they were little. That was so much fun. Yeah. So now I do it for my girls too. And so when Lily was probably six, she was like, could you just buy my costume?
[01:08:13] Like a normal parent? But then she saw that the other kids like had a plastic costumes that were falling apart and she was like, nevermind, nevermind. Like, I'll take your, your homemade costume any day of the week. So now she has recruited her friends and I end up making three costumes, every Halloween cuz they have to be a trio.
[01:08:30] Oh, that's cool. And so, yeah. So, uh, so this past Halloween, they were ice, ice baby. Nice. Yeah. So that's funny. The tradition continues. My, my youngest sister is very creative and she's got two boys and they, I think they pick what they want, their Holocaust, Halloween costumes to be, to stump their mother Uhhuh
[01:08:53] So my youngest nephew, who's gonna be six. This was just six last week. Actually baker wanted to be a cow pig last year. Ah, so, so my sister cut. She got two, like fleece onesies, one pink one and one white one and cut them in half and sewed them together. Yes. And, and then used like a hood or something. And she took a half of a pink hat and half of a white hat and sewed them together and then created this, the right shaped ears out of felt and put spots on the cow side.
[01:09:31] And, and, and he was a cow pig, you know, that's so funny. Yeah. You're so funny. We're gonna have to swap cashing ideas cause you're yep. Same, same. She was great. My, my, his older brother two years ago wanted to be a volcano. Oh gosh. But he wanted to be interrupting volcano. Oh my gosh. She had to figure out how to get like the cloud of smoke.
[01:09:56] Yes. And like fire and lava coming down and, and she just. Outta sight. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. My brain is already like, I'm like, Ooh, what would I do if my kid wanted to be a flaming volcano and the wheels are already spinning, like I can totally see it now. yeah. That's amazing. Amazing. She should. I mean, if she she's a psychiatrist and saves lives and is amazing, but she, she could start a business making kids S but I'm sure having to do it that way would take some of the enjoyment out of it, but, yes.
[01:10:30] All right. Question number four. What's your favorite meal? Shrimp Scampy okay. That was quick. Yes. Do you like other shrimp things or just Scampy? Oh, anything that's like shrimp and noodles. So I love, um, okay. Well, we lived in New Hampshire. There was this restaurant called common man, and they had this dish called Nantucket SAE, and it was kind of like a hardier version of shrimp scamy so it had, um, like a white fish in there and scallops and shrimp in this delicious white, like white wine, creamy sauce.
[01:11:00] And so whenever we would go to common, man, I would always get Nantucket saute. And so whatever, like is a similar version to Nantucket saute shrimp's Stampy. That's my thing. And my husband's always like, aren't you gonna try something new? I'm like, no. Why? If that's the, that's your jam? Why, why I do that?
[01:11:17] Yeah. Where, where was the restaurant? Where in, in, in New Hampshire it's um, in Concord, New Hampshire, I'm writing it down. so it's my favorite and their bread is amazing and they always give you, um, like they make their own bread and they make their own white chocolate. And so at the end of the meal, you know, instead of giving you like the Andy's mint, like olive garden, they give you hunks of fresh white chocolate that they made in their candy shop.
[01:11:44] Wow. And so, and I'm not a big white chocolate person, but let me tell you this white chocolate was to die for. Awesome. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Um, what's one piece of advice you would like to give your younger self. Hmm. Do what makes you feel joyful? Even if it isn't a popular opinion, that's a good one. That's a good one.
[01:12:04] Too many of us crowdsource our, our, uh, our, our goals. And don't really listen to what we want. Yeah. Which is one of the reasons that I said, okay, I have to start sharing all of me spirituality too. Yeah. Even if it's not popular opinion, because it's what brings me joy. So, well, there you go. No qualms about that, right.
[01:12:25] What's one thing you would most like to change about the world Hmm. That we have more compassion and understanding and acceptance of others. Yeah. Wholeheartedly. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The world would be a vastly different place. Yeah. If people move forward with kindness and compassion instead of anger and fear and greed.
[01:12:45] Yes. yes. Imagine what could be accomplished. Exactly. Imagine, you know, I always say like, like when we hear news about people who are like computer hackers or have made computer viruses or like yes. Going out of their way to like steal things from other people. I, I, my first reaction is always like, if those people had used that creative energy for good, instead of evil, imagine how much better the world could be.
[01:13:15] Yes. I say the same exact thing. The same thing. We are two sisters from another, from, from other parents or however that goes. Yeah. Yep. Um, okay. Last, last ones rather frivolous, but I, I added that for this season. Um, what TV shows are you binging right now? What do you like to watch? So I love cooking shows like hell's kitchen, top chef, but the ones that I binge the most are Tyler, Henry life after death.
[01:13:41] These are all on Netflix. Okay. Um, queer eye. I love the queer eye guys. And then, um, inventing Anna. Oh, that was so good. I had never heard of Anna Delvy before. And I didn't know any of that was actually based on a true story. And I didn't look it up until after I'd finished the whole thing, cuz I didn't, I, I, I didn't wanna ruin the suspense, but holy shit.
[01:14:04] Was that good? Yes. So if you wanna learn more about Anna Delvy, there is a podcast that my girlfriend told me about. It's called, um, call her daddy, call me daddy, something like that. It's on Spotify. Okay. The, the podcast. So she's really raunchy. She's so incredibly inappropriate, which is fine. Doesn't bother me, but no, yeah, that's fine.
[01:14:24] Um, A lot of people are not for her because she's so raunchy. Okay. Um, and it used to be her and a friend and they had a falling out. So now it's just the one gal. Um, but she actually interviewed Anna Delvy from prison shortly before Anna Delvy was released and went and went Mia. And so it's very interesting to listen to Anna Del's interview because she definitely skirts a lot of the questions and they CA like the podcast host calls her on that and says, you know, you say, I don't know a lot.
[01:14:51] And she basically tried to say that she didn't say, I don't know, but it was just really interesting to listen to her, talk about her family, her childhood, and her experience in jail and her whole experience of being Anna Delvy. Wow. Yeah, there, there was also, um, I forget what, what streaming channel it's on, but, uh, Amanda sea creed played Elizabeth Holmes.
[01:15:18] Um, In, in a, a, like a one season multis series, uh, you know, multi episode series called the dropout. And I had never heard of Elizabeth Holmes either. And she started a, a multi-billion dollar company that was all fraud and she went to jail and all this other stuff, but it was it's like she became Elizabeth Holmes.
[01:15:44] Yeah. Okay. So I'm gonna have to watch that one now. Um, but then the last thing is that, um, do you know about Fyre Fest? No. Okay. So there's, don't tell me, so that is another documentary. So Anna Delvy went to this Fyre Fest, and so, um, it's a Netflix documentary and it's FY R E. Ah, and so, um, Ja roll the rapper and this like 20 something guy create this huge fire Fest and you had to pay a shit ton of money to be able to go.
[01:16:15] And they, it was on this private island and they promised like these gourmet meals and these lavish cabanas on the beach and they just, they had big names like blink 180 2. Wow. All these huge name performers coming to do this performance. And it was all a sham. They didn't have any of it. And they had famous models like, um, Gigi had, mm I'm gonna mess up her name.
[01:16:42] So I'm not even gonna try it, but all these famous super models doing, um, Instagram posts for them and social media press. And so it became this big, huge sensational thing. Like anybody who was, anybody was gonna be at F Fest and people got there and they had cheese, like literally the American orange, American cheese that you peel out of the plastic.
[01:17:06] Yeah. Like cut in half on two slice, two slices of white bread and styrofoam containers. And that's what they were trying to feed people. And these what paid huge high ticket prices to, yeah. It's like $250,000 to go to Fyre Fest. And it was all a sham. So Ja rule managed to get off with really like, not a lot of penalty, but the other guy, he doesn't get off so easy.
[01:17:27] So I watched that documentary like three years ago and someone said, do you know that she was at Fyre Fest? Do you know about Fyre Fest? I'm like, actually I do know about Fyre Fest. Cause I already watched that documentary. Oh. So yeah. So you'll have to watch that one too, because that's also crazy. Wow. I know now what I'm watching later tonight.
[01:17:45] That's crazy. Have you seen totally changing tactics, but have you seen, um, Ted lasso on apple plus it's two seasons. Holy shit, Kim. It's like, it's now like one of my top
[01:18:05] three favorite TV shows ever. Okay. Just so I saw kids at universal. Good. Wearing Ted lash though. T-shirt so I'm like, okay, so I'm gonna watch, I'm gonna watch it. And I'm not a sports person. And he's, you know, a, a Kansas college football coach who gets recruited to coach actual, you know, soccer, football in the UK and okay.
[01:18:24] And, and yes, there's a lot of sports involved, but I'm not a sports person and I, I can follow and I love it. And it's important to the story, but it's all like real life, you know? Yeah. Trauma and anxiety and deception, and being true to yourself and compassion and kindness and belief and motivation. And holy shit, it's just the wild rollercoaster of emotions.
[01:18:50] Whenever I feel like I've seen both seasons now, at least four times, really. And it's just my go-to like, I just keep putting it on. If I need a little emotional bolstering, I put on a little Ted lasso and I'm. Better, you know? Oh my God. So good. All right. It's on the list. That's my next binge between them and the big bank theory folks and the Gilmore girls I'm covered.
[01:19:15] Yeah. I've got all my emotional needs for TV, you know? Right. Life's complete. Absolutely. Absolutely. These things are important. We have to know what our entertainment is going to be. That's right. Especially, you know, after COVID and not being able to go out anywhere and the prices of everything have gone up.
[01:19:32] So it's just a fortune of money. We went out to brunch last Sunday and we went and we had two cups of coffee and two omelets, and it was like $50 Uhhuh. I know it's insane. We just had freaking eggs. Right. What the hell? You know? Right. Which are probably like 30 cents a piece. Right. I've just floored me.
[01:19:55] So we stay home and we watch a lot of TV cuz it's cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can pause it and go get a snack and go to the bathroom and come back, you know? Yes. Yeah. Magic magic. Yes. Well, this conversation was magic, Kim. Thank you so much for being on permission to heal and hanging with us. And thanks so much for having me.
[01:20:12] This was just really wonderful. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you so much. It was great. Okay.